What Gay Men Can Learn from Lesbians
Back when I was first struggling with my feelings for men, the gay man who would have the most negative impact on my coming out told me that gay men and lesbians didn’t got along. Maybe that comment — along with the vision of growing old and becoming like him — pushed me further into the closet.
I’ve always liked lesbians — and have been accused of being one myself (on more than one occasion). My fellow Outfest Theater Managers jokingly call me “the lesbian.” A real lesbian gave me a T-shirt, “Lesbian Trapped in a Man’s Body.” (I think I’ll wear that to the gym today.)
Yesterday, as I was preparing my “Statement of Research Interest,” offering a proposed dissertation topic as part of my application to continue on for my Ph. D. in my grad program in Mythology, I quoted from Norah Vincent’s most excellent book, Self-Made Man: One Woman’s Journey into Manhood and Back (which I reviewed here) and realized given my strong praise for Mary Cheney’s most excellent memoir, Now It’s My Turn: A Daughter’s Chronicle of Political Life that two of my favorite new books this year were written by lesbians.
Maybe I like lesbians so much because, by and large, they “get” relationships. In his comment to my latest, one of my most thoughtful critics (who this time seems to agree with me) wrote:
The other thing that I think Andrew is acknowledging is that gay marriage does have different qualities than a heterosexual marriage. Its different even from a lesbian marriage. The gender of the participants does have an impact.
Yup, gender does have an impact. Lesbians are far more likely to be monogamous than gay men, indeed, may well even be more committed to monogamy than straight men.
Maybe I’m writing this, because despite the cynical words of my negative role model*, this gay man tends to get along with lesbians. Maybe it’s because they “get” me (on some level), less likely to explain away regrets I have expressed about my indiscretions than gay men do, more likely to sympathize with my longings for affection and intimacy. And better able to appreciate the full meaning of relationships.
I’m not really sure why I’m writing this. I’ve had a bit of trouble focusing on my work today and this post just came to mind. Maybe it was Patrick’s insightful comment. Or maybe it’s just that, after a hectic week with a number of obligations, I’m feeling particularly “lesbian,” longing for a tender moment with someone of my own gender. Or maybe, as the Senate prepares to debate gay marriage, I think we need to point out that many, many lesbian couples provide successful examples of monogamous same-sex unions.
And those are the types of role models we need.
My negative role model notwithstanding, I realize how much we gay men need lesbians in our lives. It’s time we start learning from them.
-Dan (AKA GayPatriotWest): GayPatriotWest@aol.com
*Is there such a thing as a negative role model? If so, is that someone who gives us a bad example to follow or one who, in my case, made it more difficult for me to come to terms with my difference?
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Well, I think there is also another side of the story. Namely, what can lesbians can learn from gay men.
If lesbians are better than gay men at monogamous, long-term relationships, it does not necessarily follow that these are better relationships. For example, wallowing for 20+ years in an extremely needy co-dependent relationship is not a good thing for anybody.
Comment by Patrick (Gryph) — June 1, 2006 @ 11:39 pm - June 1, 2006
*Is there such a thing as a negative role model?
There are definitely those whom you learn NOT to emulate.
Comment by ThatGayConservative — June 2, 2006 @ 1:31 am - June 2, 2006
“I realize how much we gay men need lesbians in our lives. It’s time we start learning from them.”
Bravo! Vera very much supports giving lesbians the recognition they deserve.
Vera sadly recalls the early days of AIDS; gay men being turned away by family, friends and society at large. Lesbians (bless their flannel covered hearts!) stepped into the breach, providing some of the first, direct, hands on services to Aids patients; everything from bathing, cleaning their apartments, cooking, paying bills, to driving them to doctors appointments. Vera clearly remembers one bull dyke (her description, not mine) verbally kicking the shit out of a landlord complaining about late rent payments for an ill young man. When the landlord finally cracked, agreeing to waive back rent, she turned to the ill young man and me and said, “you’re family- we take care of our own”.
Vera is forever grateful to all her lesbian sisters.
Comment by Vera Charles — June 2, 2006 @ 9:39 am - June 2, 2006
“Yup, gender does have an impact. Lesbians are far more likely to be monogamous than gay men, indeed, may well even be more committed to monogamy than straight men.”
Instead of Lesbian, insert women.
Of course there are men, gay and straight who are just as interested in monogomy, and many a gay male couple have wonderful monogomous relationships.
But it is definately built into the female psyche .
“For example, wallowing for 20+ years in an extremely needy co-dependent relationship is not a good thing for anybody.”
One doesn’t need to be a lesbian, there are many a woman who has been in that situation, unable to find the strength to cut a toxic emotional tie.
Men and woman need each other to compliment and temper their tendencies.
So for a gay man, or a lesbian, it is probably all the more important to have strong friendships with someone from the opposite sex.
Comment by Leah — June 2, 2006 @ 11:41 am - June 2, 2006
If you think that needy and co-Dependant relationships don’t occur with heterosexuals, you should check out your local meetings of AA and Al-Anon.
Gay men and Lesbians do have complementarity, it just works a little differently. Remember that physically, emotionally and psychologically, all human beings are actually dual in nature, and everyone has elements of male and female within themselves to varying degrees. There are different genders, but we are still the same species.
Comment by Patrick (Gryph) — June 2, 2006 @ 12:50 pm - June 2, 2006
We are the same species but we are very different in our nature. We need each other, the sexes balance one another. Read the Chapter: “Life” in Nora Vincent’s’ book Self Made Man. She describes life in a monastery, where many of the men haven’t had a normal friendship with a woman since childhood. It is amazing how stunted emotionally many of these men are.
As someone who went to a girl’s high school, I can tell you the emotions ran way too high. There was a real lack practicality and common sense. The cruelty among women can be vicious.
I’m not saying you have to marry someone from the opposite sex in order to be well rounded. I’m saying you need good positive friendships with people from both genders.
Comment by Leah — June 2, 2006 @ 1:45 pm - June 2, 2006
Leah, that’s the chapter I quoted in my dissertation proposal:
Comment by GayPatriotWest — June 2, 2006 @ 2:26 pm - June 2, 2006
Well, I want to point out that the position of intermediary is one that both gay men and lesbians have often played with their straight friends and co-workers, etc.
One of the things I noticed a long time ago about being gay was that straight men kept coming up to me and asking for advice with their girlfriends, wives, etc. And straight women would come up to me and ask the same about their husbands. And it seemed to be almost instinctive behavior on theirs and my part. What was interesting was that to my own surprise I often could actually help them understand each others points of view a bit better.
Comment by Patrick (Gryph) — June 2, 2006 @ 6:40 pm - June 2, 2006
Vera, honey, let’s do coffee and some shopping if you’re ever in Houston.
Regards,
Peter H.
Comment by Peter Hughes — June 2, 2006 @ 8:40 pm - June 2, 2006
Maybe I like lesbians so much because, by and large, they “get” relationships.
Or maybe you just like wearing plaid flannel and playing pool and darts.
As a former drinking buddy once told me, “if there’s more pool tables than dance floor, it’s a lesbian joint”.
Comment by ThatGayConservative — June 4, 2006 @ 6:23 am - June 4, 2006
Can A straight man have a good marriage with a lesbian?I know there will be some problems but what should you do or not do to make it work?
Comment by James Williams — August 2, 2006 @ 2:49 pm - August 2, 2006