Last Monday, I noted that I had been in “ sour mood of late.” As the week progressed and my mood improved, I realized that in the words of Jimmy Buffett, it was “my own damn fault.” Had I been true to myself, I would not have felt as bad as I did in the early part of the week.
Suffice it to say that while my heart warned me against doing something, I followed instead what, for lack of better term, I will call, the “ethos of West Hollywood.” While my actions brought me some momentary satisfaction, they did not provide the connection I truly sought. I would have been better off had I handled my date differently — or just stayed at home alone and read a book or watched a DVD.
Indeed, it seemed synchronistic that the first DVD I picked up after that date was Crash, a movie I greatly enjoyed even though the flick, in Cathy Seipp‘s words, portrays “the rich screenwriter’s view of L.A rather than the real L.A.” (Cathy has more on Crash here in her most excellent Oscar preview column.) Despite its misleading portrayal of LA, I like the movie because it reminds us “of the sustaining power of human relationships” and “asks us to look beyond the surface of each individual, for many of us are more complicated that we at first appear.“
What hit home for me last weekend was Don Cheadle‘s opening voice-over:
In L.A. nobody touches you; we’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something.
It seemed that in that in the gay world, when we long for that touch, we “crash into each other” by hooking up, often without the expectation of the connection lasting longer than its ostensible purpose. And for some, that may be satisfying, for others, it doesn’t provide the “touch” we really seek.
I do think gay men (indeed, men in general) use casual sex as a means to feel something without dealing with the difficulties of genuine connection — and genuine emotion. Another reason why the conversation on gay marriage is of paramount importance.
-Dan (AKA GayPatriotWest): GayPatriotWest@aol.com
Dan, please accept my apologies for going off topic, but I just saw something very interesting on Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor” and want to share it.
Iraq war veteran Paul Hackett (who was a “darling” of the left-wing blogs when he ran as a Democrat in a special congressional election in Ohio last year) said he’d learned from Marine “sources” in Iraq that Haditha was not a case of murder by Marines. More interesting, he tried to call Congressman John Murtha but the congressman wouldn’t take his call.
I found that interesting coming from someone who’s still very outspoken in his criticism of the president’s handling of the war.
Honey, you need a man to love you. Seriously. I sense in your posts a tremendous longing for true love and commitment, along with some trepidation that maybe it won’t happen. Don’t worry, it will happen if you really want it.
Take it from a retired circuit-boy who was gladly immersed in that “ethos” for years. I wasn’t a slut per se, just a fly girl getting her kicks on the dance floor, but in February my partner and I are 15 happy years together, monogamous too! (That’s gotta be some kind of record for Village/Chelsea.) If I can find it at the Roxy, of all places, so can you in your life.
I’m being presumptuous because I don’t know you, but I think I could give you some advice: 1) Love happens when it wants to and almost never when you’re looking for it. So chill out. 2) The most important thing is to make the guy laugh everyday, and he has to make you laugh everyday too. So no tirades about Kathleen (Debbie Downer) Blanco if at dinner he mentions the start of hurrican season! 3) Be more charitable, less judgmental.
Life is hard and there is no guidebook for gay Americans, now, or ever. But all in all, we have done a good job. I have been out since 1977 when I was 17 (don’t ask). If you had told me in 1985 that we would be arguing about gay marriage in 2006 — and that it would be LEGAL in my homestate — I would have looked at you like you had a chicken on your head. We have come long way in my gay life – just 29 years.
I go to this site because I was curious as to what was driving gay conservatives. I got some answers, one of which is you want love just like I did. I understand y’all better now, which is good. I don’t agree mostly, but I understand some. If you want a man to fall in love with you, you have to reach out of your hermit shell a little. You’ve got to ACCEPT the man. I think you will do it. Good luck.
DK
It is interesting, fascinating, Trace, but definitely off topic.
Donny, that’s a really sweet comment. That’s for taking the time to write it.
I agree with your assessment, GPW; unfortunately, sex has become just another drug for a lot of people, something to fill the holes — be they emotional, physical, social, or whatever.
But take heart, my friend; after all, if I can find a nice Jewish boy and settle down and be with him, for you, ’twill be easy. It just isn’t time yet.
It’s hard for me to connect Crash and a conversation on gay marriage when Crash didn’t even have any gay characters, even though the film was set in LA.
I thought the movie was an After School Special for the big screen.
Hello-
Lurking for a bit; guess I’ll “crash” on this entry! Yeah, in my 20’s I wanted Happily ever after…guess what? Never got it. At 30 (ok-32) I found the hook up life (god! that was easy!). Now, at 37(!) and a different stage in life. I think I’m actually comfortable with myself and will not allow to settle for empty shite. And that’s a little intimidating!
There’s a difference between feeling something, and feeling anything. Have I got all the answers? Of course not; but I’m glad I got the chance to spew on this shot-in-the-arm site. Thanks
Dan, word up! Keep it real dude. It WILL happen.
Well, Dan, I certainly empathize with the feelings, I think most gay men can at some time or another. In fact, a lot of the times you hear so-called “ex-gays” talking about “leaving the lifestyle”, its this kind of soulless sex they are referring too. But the problem of course, is not being gay or even “gay culture”, but the ability of the person involved to make deeper connections with other people. And no amount of playing basketball with the guys is going to fix that. The ex-gays go from soulless sex to soulless marriages with the opposite sex. Its very sad really.
But what it really comes down to is that sex has whatever value and meaning you put to it. So I also think that viewing sex as if its always going to be the penultimate act of spiritual and physical unity is a planned disappointment.
Just as cruising late night bars for quick hook-ups and expecting to get the same emotional satisfaction that you would get having sex with your lover is also a planned disappointment. The true value and importance of sex is somewhere in the middle there.
If you are out there looking for sex and expecting nothing more than friendly mutual physical gratification, then its not going to hurt you, unless you think thats all it can ever be. And unless you are using it as a way to avoid deeper things. And in fact, sometimes you will be surprised. Some of my closest friends have been former “tricks”.
Sex can also be just an expression of friendship. Even casual friendship. And even (gasp)! between two straight men. (your straight male readers are now clasping their hands over their ears chanting LALALALALALA) – LOL. But I’ve seen it happen.
And lets face it, at different points in our lives, that kind of casual connection may be all that many men are capable of at that time. Especially with young men. And most especially with young gay men, who don’t have the kind of guideposts that young straight men have.
And as I recall Dan, you are (don’t panic!) no longer exactly a teen-aged male with the attention span of goldfish.
So it makes sense that the kind of casual sex you might have enjoyed when you were younger would no longer be fulfilling enough for you today. But you remember it being “enough” so sometimes the temptation to rely on the tried and true is too strong to ignore. Plus, sometimes we just get too damned horny! lol.
So just chalk it up to experience, and put your self back out there on the looking for long-term romance circuit. Or not. Choosing not to have a relationship or casual sex is also a legitimate option, provided you are not isolating yourself all-together from the human race.
West,
Sometimes cheap, meaningless sex is just what it is. Accept it for what it was; move on. Gryph is right, if you want a LTR, have plenty of dates before you become physical. I would rather have plenty of ex-potential partners than a slew of casual fucks. It is healthier that way, too.
Love the car metaphor: Hit and run and all that.
Vera believes most people give more attention to their vehicles than their partners.
As for hooking up –
Sadly, sex has become a kind of currency people now deal in.
It’s transactional with an implied no strings agreement and no id required (could you ever imagine introducing the last trick you had to your boss – or your mother? Didn’t think so…). Vera’s good friend recently explained a casual hookup: “I only slept with him – it’s not like we dated or anything!”
Sharing a meal is now more intimate than having sex?
Is having sex a prerequisite for dating?
If I cook dinner for someone but don’t sleep with them, am I a prude?
Disposable is a wonderful concept for things (you can’t save everything) but not for people.
Friendships are based on a variety of things; sexual attraction shouldn’t be one of them.
Friendships are based on a variety of things; sexual attraction shouldn’t be one of them.
Comment by Vera Charles
Vera daaaling,
Friendships, yes but we are talking intimate, long term relationships. To not consider sexual attraction is like dissing the Martini for the Vermouth. It may may not be the greatest ingredient, but it is what makes it what it is.
Love you.
Go figure. As a young lesbian, I find the first decent conversation on sex and its meaning I’ve heard in a long while by listening in on a pack of gay guys… gotta love it. Seriously, thanks guys. I was asked to speak as a gay woman to a group from my church not long ago, and one point I brought up as to things that gay folk have to offer society (particularly the church) is the relative comfort discussing things sexual and the variety of perspectives and insight, and what do you know, you guys go and prove that point all the stronger today. I know I tend to pipe up only when something confuses me or rubs me the wrong way, but I did want to note that I appreciate the dialogue that goes on here – know it or not, you’re building some of those long missing guideposts. Keep it up. Great post, Dan.
Tell me Vera, do you have any friendships with people that you consider to be physically ugly? Did you deliberately seek these people out? Or did you base your liking of them on other factors, such as personality, intelligence, personal warmth, etc? If they had not communicated these other factors in any way would you still have deliberately gone up to them and sought out their friendship?
Whether or not you find someone physically attractive is an element of forming friendships. It’s not by any means the only or even most important element, but contrary to your statements, it does exist.
You also assume that by definition, that people who have casual encounters with others don’t care for those others in any sense. They indeed may not. But that simply is not always, or even often, the case.
And for the record, having dinner together has always been more intimate than having sex. There are many more ways to screw up a dinner date than a casual sexual encounter. Thats because as the adage goes, even bad sex is still pretty good.
Chandler in Hollywood & Patrick
Vera does have friends who were once (blush) sexual partners – but the long-term friendship isn’t based on sexual desire or attraction and doesn’t include sex as a component of the current relationship (i.e.: friends, not lovers). Past lovers often become dear friends, but Vera believes it’s difficult (if not impossible) for dear friends to become lovers.
Friendships are based on mutual interests, shared experiences, intelligence, humor, manners, and of course, empathy. Also the ability to tolerate Vera in her many moods helps. A nice ass or lovely eyes isn’t required.
Perhaps Vera isn’t well adjusted enough to keep a circle of friends who also serve as lovers when the need arises, but like evening wear and comfy slippers, Vera prefers to keep them separate.
A martini without Vermouth? Heresy!