Since an election is only fair and valid when the Democrats win, I’m going to now urge all Americans to help support our new liberal leaders in Washington. Let’s all join hands and support (not my) Speaker Pelosi in her efforts to “catch the terrorists.”
I’m doing my part by adopting a terrorist. It is actually easier than you think…. after all, the American Civil Liberities Union is representing and defending many of these cold-blooded killers right now. So just pick up your phone and call to request your own terrorist by calling the local ACLU offices right now. (ACLU link here.)
My Adopted Terrorist is named Ali. I’m not sure if this is his real name or not, but it is the one I was told to use or else I’d be beheaded. Ali is a radical Muslim who was born in the oppressed and destitute land of Saudi Arabia. That really surprised me since most people stopped at the airports here are old women, babies with formula, and gay guys with hair gel. As a matter of fact, I think I do recall hearing that 19 breast-feeding infants flew planes into buildings on September 11, 2001. Ah, but I digress.
Unfortunately, I cannot show you Ali’s photo. The Terrorist Civil Rights Union…er…. ACLU… says that showing his photo may jeopardize Ali’s prescence in the United States. We wouldn’t want that would we?
Anyway, I spoke to Ali for the first time over the weekend. He was very nice. But I have learned that Terrorists have their own kind of language; almost like slang. Instead of referring to me as “friend” or “buddy” like I did, Ali repeatedly called me an “infidel pig.” Instead of talking about sports and the weather, Ali tells me that I’m going to hell and his knife will be my instrument of death. I don’t know about you, but that is kind of cute isn’t it?
So in order to keep my Adopted Terrorist (I was sent a certificate of adoption by the ACLU and signed by Michael Moore!), I have to send Ali copies of the New York Times each day (apparently it is used as some type of instruction manual by al-Qaeda), send him half of my paycheck each week, and chop off one of my toes and/or fingers once a month. Oh yeah, and I had to convert to Islam over the phone or he was going to murder my entire family. At least I didn’t have to be held hostage with a gun to my head like those FOX News guys who recently converted.
I’m kind of excited though because this week, I’m meeting Ali to show him the new Spirit of America under (not my) Speaker Pelosi. We are going to hold hands and sing kum-bah-yah while burning American flag. He promised me if I did that, he wouldn’t drive a truckbomb into the shopping mall near where I live.
You see, folks, this new Democrat Strategy on the War on Terror will work just fine! All we have to do is join the Adopt-A-Terrorist program and do exactly what they say. What’s the big deal?
I’ll be keeping you updated on Ali’s story over the next several weeks…