Alone on Valentine’s Day, but Not Bitter
In past years, I have dreaded Valentine’s Day. While others would have a sweetheart with whom to celebrate the day, I was alone, ever searching for the man of my dreams.
This year, however, I remain alone, but am less focused on the search than I have been in the past. And perhaps I am better able to delight in the day because I’m no longer focusing on what I don’t have (but wish I had). As one who loves couples, the sight of lovers, in the past, was often bittersweet, bitter because they had what I lacked, sweet because I appreciated what they had. Today, I see only the sweet.
It’s all a question of attitude. During the summer, about two weeks before my epiphany (which a reader perhaps defined more accurately as being “thwacked up the side of the head” by a two-by-four), I read in a pocket edition of Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? that the purpose of one’s life “is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your own peace of mind, or even your own happiness.” Those words — and others in a similar vein — made me wonder if perhaps there was a reason that I had yet to find a boyfriend.
As I integrated those words into my life, I soon became better able to appreciate my solitude and less focused on the search. I can still taste the beauty of romance and imagine finding that special guy someday. As I have become less preoccupied with finding a boyfriend, I have focused more on developing friendships. As a result, in the intervening five months, I have made more new friends than at any similar period in my adulthood.
Two of those friendships began with guys I had initially dated. As I was getting to know each of these two wonderful men, I focused more on our relationship than on my desired outcome (i.e., finding a boyfriend). I saw each as the man he was — and not as the boyfriend I wanted him to become. I feel today so grateful that I have met them — as well as my other new friends.
I haven’t given up hope on finding that one man who, to paraphrase George Eliot, could “be all” to me, but I am no longer focused on finding him. That’s why on this Valentine’s Day, I’m not bitter about being alone and why I can better delight in those loving couples I see all around me. They have found what one of the things that is best on this earth, enduring romance and affection, qualities which make life worth living.
And they have found what I have been (and still am) looking for, only not with the intensity I once did. Not focusing on finding that special someone I have gained a greater appreciation for those things that, even though single, I do have, most notably my family (particularly my nieces and nephews) and my friends.
So, for me it is a Happy Valentine’s Day — and I wish the same to you and yours.
- B. Daniel Blatt (GayPatriotWest@aol.com)
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Particularly your nieces and nephews?? What about your sweet little sister! Happy Valentines Day! XOXO
Comment by Your sister — February 14, 2007 @ 7:59 pm - February 14, 2007
Happy Valentine’s Day to you! There’s nothing more attractive than someone who is content and happy. Your be all is out there. Soon you’ll find him.
Comment by Melissa — February 14, 2007 @ 8:38 pm - February 14, 2007
I enjoyed reading your Blog. You have come a long way and developed insight. Having peace of mind and appreciating what you do have is most important.
Comment by dabby blatt — February 14, 2007 @ 9:02 pm - February 14, 2007
This guy is also all alone on Valentine’s Day:
http://newjerseyblog.blogspot.com/2007/02/cupid-is-crazy.html
Comment by Patriot Pal — February 14, 2007 @ 9:35 pm - February 14, 2007
I’m alone in the sense that TGCpartner is all the way over in Houston.
I remember a friend telling me once that you’ll find Mr. Right when you’re not looking. Then again he also told me that I wouldn’t find him in a bar, which I did.
Comment by ThatGayConservative — February 15, 2007 @ 12:26 am - February 15, 2007
TGC: That makes two of us: neither me nor my bf was looking for Mr. Right, and certainly not at that bar, that night, and us two, but you can’t fight it when it happens.
Happy V-Day to all.
Comment by torrentprime — February 15, 2007 @ 12:44 am - February 15, 2007
#6
but you can’t fight it when it happens.
I sure as hell didn’t. ;P
Comment by ThatGayConservative — February 15, 2007 @ 4:35 am - February 15, 2007
Don’t get too down about it, Dan.
It is, after all, an invented, made-up holiday, and more relationships end on Valentine’s day than on any other day of the year.
Chin up.
–Chet
Comment by Chet — February 15, 2007 @ 8:55 am - February 15, 2007
Well, Dan, as others have said, you might just find Mr. Right once you’ve stopped looking or when you really don’t expect it. Yes, it happened to me when I went to the gym five years ago on a Sunday afternoon – a time at which I almost never go. My partner and I have been together ever since. Good luck!
Comment by Ian — February 15, 2007 @ 9:56 am - February 15, 2007
My pursuit of meaningful relationships occurred when a mentor said that I was “far too much for any one person, you give them everything but air”. He suggested that I begin cultivating a number of friends to give me the total package that I wanted. I took his advice and have never looked back. Though I am single, I enjoy the profound intimacy that comes form open and honest relationships with a few very close friends. Last year I lost one of those 27 year friendships, and I do ache when I think of him, but it forced me out in the world one more time to cultivate some new ones. They are there if I look for them.
Comment by Tom in Dallas — February 15, 2007 @ 10:03 am - February 15, 2007
Chet in #8, the point about the post is that I wasn’t too down about it all.
Comment by GayPatriotWest — February 15, 2007 @ 11:07 am - February 15, 2007
Very nice post, Dan.
Before my awakening, I used to refer to Valentine’s Day as “National Women’s Disappointment Day” (sorry to be gynocentric (if that’s a word) but most of the commercial hype is aimed at creating expectations in women and guilt-based buying in men).
Now that I’m no longer a cynic, I focus on making valentines and sending them to my friends. It’s fun to do and fun to receive the delighted thanks. I got a lovely handmade valentine from a friend of mine, as well.
The idea is to reclaim the holiday as a festive celebration of love and affection. Very much in keeping with your thoughts!
I agree with Melissa, happiness is so attractive! You will meet someone who deserves you. We look forward to hearing about it!!
Comment by Sarah Rolph — February 15, 2007 @ 11:57 am - February 15, 2007
Dan, consider us your extended family. I’m glad you are with us and more importantly, I’m glad you are here FOR us.
And I’m glad you’re not sweating the “pairing problem.” Someday your prince will come, especially when you least expect it.
Mine did, five years ago this June. We’ve had our share of ups and downs, but it all comes down to how you feel at the end of the day.
Regards,
Peter H.
Comment by Peter Hughes — February 15, 2007 @ 11:57 am - February 15, 2007
I spent Valentine’s Day with my favorite boys and girls:
COPS (on Court TV)
I would have gone to the Boston watering hole (not to be confused with my local watering hole), but the weather was too nasty.
Julie the Jarhead
Comment by Julie the Jarhead — February 15, 2007 @ 11:59 am - February 15, 2007
OT: Check out what the bitter, left-wing sourpusses at Pacifica Radio did for Valentine’s Day.
Sounds almost as bitter as Chet.
Comment by V the K — February 15, 2007 @ 1:33 pm - February 15, 2007
Why would I be bitter?
I have a wonderful boyfriend, plenty of money, and best of all — I get to sit around for the next two years watching America deal with the President it deserves.
Life could not get any better, I assure you.
–Chet
Comment by Chet — February 15, 2007 @ 2:10 pm - February 15, 2007
#13
I found mine 10 years ago at Pacific Street, even though he fancies people watching at The Mining Co.
Comment by ThatGayConservative — February 15, 2007 @ 2:16 pm - February 15, 2007
talking about not thinking about what you don’t want:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1GKGWJbE8
Comment by Rob Miller — February 15, 2007 @ 8:54 pm - February 15, 2007
Dan, as one who has been severely relationship challenged for most of my adult life, I can appreciate your post. Even during those times, I was never bitter during Valentine’s Day. Most of the time, I enjoyed being single, and still would if that happened again.
I found mine about three years ago, after a breakup with my only other boyfriend, and definitely wasn’t expecting that to happen, and thinking I was going to be single for another long period.
Comment by Pat — February 16, 2007 @ 2:24 pm - February 16, 2007
For the most part, I don’t think on VD too much. I usually get candy from my mom (I know. It’s one of her things that I indulge, plus it’s free candy). I tell TGCpartner how lucky I am to have him and that’s pretty much it. BTW, I tell him every day that I love him and I mean it more and more as time goes by.
There was one year I was depressed on VD. I was single, newly gay as it were, and our favorite dog had been put down that day. I was told that a player didn’t really love me (which in retrospect, should have been “no duh!”) and I had to work on VD night. It was a miserable night and I cried on my desk, but I got over it.
Comment by ThatGayConservative — February 17, 2007 @ 6:10 am - February 17, 2007