Men Aren’t Pigs
Among the many troubling things the non-monogamous “married” man Eric Erbelding said to the New York Times was his repetition of the refrain we hear all too often, particularly from gay men, that “Men are pigs.“
Granted, given our natural inclination to (for lack of better term) to “spread our seed,” we men do seem to find it more difficult to control our sexual inclination. But, control it we can. The pig of this metaphor cannot.
Yes, monogamy is a greater challenge for men than it is for women. There just seems to be something in the makeup of our gender which we see readily when comparing gay men to lesbians, the former more eager to hook up, the latter to nest. I guess one reason I relate well to lesbians is that I just don’t get those who want a sexual encounter to end with the orgasm. But, many men do.
The point is that we men do have this instinct, but we also have the ability to control it, to see the body with whom we seek pleasure as human being with whom we can relate on more than just a physical level.
Marriage has long existed as an institution which channels our sexual instinct into a fulfilling emotional relationships. The fact that so many married men have remained faithful to their wives proves that men, unlike that metaphorical pig, can indeed be tamed and can commit to a monogamous relationship.
Indeed, many men elect monogamy even without the benefit of matrimony.
The expression, “men are pigs,” becomes an excuse to prevent men from the challenging and often embarrassing work of intimacy. That intimacy, getting to know each other often, as Rabbi Meier observed, causes us to reveal our weaknesses and vulnerabilities to our partner. And some men want to use our gender to dodge these challenges and avoid this exposure. And as an excuse for our sexual exploits.
If that’s how some men want to exercise their natural instinct, that’s their choice. But, recall that marriage is an institution which, for as long as we have recorded knowledge of it, has served to tame that instinct.
If men are pigs, we are not worthy of marriage. But, I’m not one who subscribes to that narrow notion of our gender. To be sure, we do have piggish qualities, but we also have more noble ones. And marriage helps bring the latter out. At least it should.
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Men are pigs because of a millions of years of evolution? Biology is hard to fight!
Of course nature (or nature’s God?) has also allowed us to study and understand our “biology” - so maybe humans shouldn’t just use “nature” as an excuse.
As Oscar Wilde said: We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
But damn, when I look at Cheyenne Jackson… that biological instinct is hard to fight!
Comment by KevinQC — June 24, 2008 @ 1:07 am - June 24, 2008
Well said. It brings up to me the fact that we have embraced liberation to the point of being libertine; throwing out self-restraint and losing the striving to be a better creature than the mere animals that walk on 4 legs. If we seriously want to commit ourselves to what is traditionally a holy union with another soul, then we need to take the other steps that show we have sanctified our lives; ie-living the commitment and confining sexual expression to that one other soul. Conversely, if the deeper, spiritual meaning is not important, and all that matters are property rights, joint taxation, wills, etc and not monogamy and the joining of two souls, then there is nothing wrong with a mere civil union….in fact, it would be more intellectually honest on every level. C’mon guys, pick your poison
Comment by E.N. — June 24, 2008 @ 1:09 am - June 24, 2008
Another way to put it: Real men aren’t pigs. (Show me a man who is a pig, and I’ll show you someone who is morally and emotionally stunted.)
Comment by ILoveCapitalism — June 24, 2008 @ 9:24 am - June 24, 2008
How many wives does one have to have before one is a pig?
Comment by jimmy — June 24, 2008 @ 9:49 am - June 24, 2008
ILC: Show me a man who is a pig, and I’ll show you someone who is morally and emotionally stunted.
jimmy: Hello Laverne, Hello Shirley.
Comment by V the K — June 24, 2008 @ 10:22 am - June 24, 2008
None, jimmy. It’s not having a wife, it’s the random hookups, the sex clubs, etc. As, perhaps, you could tell us?
Comment by ILoveCapitalism — June 24, 2008 @ 11:32 am - June 24, 2008
How many wives does one have to have before one is a pig?
Well, let’s see; Bill Clinton has only one, but the universal consensus is that he’s a pig.
Comment by North Dallas Thirty — June 24, 2008 @ 11:54 am - June 24, 2008
Men like Eric are pigs, and rather admitting that he is outside the pale, he uses the standard liberal trump card. Everybody does it.
I’m always suspicious of those who claim we are simply naked apes.
I read somewhere that although they have been trying to teach apes for years how to be more ‘intelligent and human’ they are no more attuned to humans than a dog. A Dog is actually more trainable. On the other hand, if we took a child from that stone age tribe in Brazil and raised him in a city, with all the education and trappings of modern life - that child would adapt and become a fully integrated modern man.
Being human means controlling our impulses, and most are capable of doing so. It’s sad that our culture is celebrating and trying to force us into what we never were - animals.
Comment by Leah — June 24, 2008 @ 1:11 pm - June 24, 2008
A larger problem than men being pigs is that we live in a culture that insists that human beings gather proof of their existence through the satisfaction of their desires rather than teaching that a human life is meaningful only insofar as it helps others. People need to understand sex not as an opportunity to get an orgasm for themselves, but as a chance to give an orgasm to another person and focus on their care and pleasure. The joy of lovemaking found in such an approach is a thousand times greater than that obtained when an orgasm is the goal.
Nowadays the mantra is: “Whoever has the most toys wins!” We are constantly assaulted by a culture that screams “Buy this” and “Buy that” while the more needful implorings of “Nurture this person” and “Care for that one” go unheeded. Despite our best efforts to remain upbeat, my husband and I sometimes become discouraged at the number of people (including other gays and lesbians) bent on denying stability to us and our children all in the name of “doing what is best for society.”
Comment by Brian in Brooklyn — June 24, 2008 @ 3:13 pm - June 24, 2008
Brian, the fact that you and your partner cannot keep a stable relationship without government intervention is your fault, not the government’s.
Furthermore, given that you oppose requiring married couples to be monogamous and insist that promiscuity is just as valid of a choice as monogamy if a couple wants to be promiscuous, isn’t it more than a bit hypocritical for you to suddenly be criticizing promiscuous behavior?
Comment by North Dallas Thirty — June 24, 2008 @ 3:41 pm - June 24, 2008
ND40:
I said that acknowledgement of our marriage from the State would add to our stability. Adding to stability indicates that stability is already present.
I would be happy to require that heterosexual couples be monogamous, but since the State does not require them to do so, there is no rationality in asking homosexual couples to do. The requirements for marriage should be the same so that all persons have equal freedom.
Heterosexual couples can choose to be non-monogamous and still get married (I know some that fit this description). If heterosexuals get to have that choice, then why can’t gays and lesbians?
Comment by Brian in Brooklyn — June 24, 2008 @ 4:06 pm - June 24, 2008
I said that acknowledgement of our marriage from the State would add to our stability. Adding to stability indicates that stability is already present.
Actually, this is what you said:
Despite our best efforts to remain upbeat, my husband and I sometimes become discouraged at the number of people (including other gays and lesbians) bent on denying stability to us and our children all in the name of “doing what is best for society.”
You cannot deny what someone already has. Obviously, you have no stability without government intervention.
The requirements for marriage should be the same so that all persons have equal freedom.
Then in that case, you should demand the abolishment of age limits, blood relation limits, and number of people involved so that everyone can have absolute freedom to marry whomever or whatever they wish.
After all, you wouldn’t want to restrict freedom, now would you?
If heterosexuals get to have that choice, then why can’t gays and lesbians?
When gay and lesbian people can produce children by having sex with each other, than that will be a valid question. But until then, the answer is that there are stark differences in terms of biological and sociological impact between homosexual and heterosexual couples, and therefore society is perfectly justified in treating them differently.
Comment by North Dallas Thirty — June 24, 2008 @ 5:59 pm - June 24, 2008
My family has produced a real but lovable pig and five children who’ve made their Mother and me very proud parents.
My wife and I met in college. She was the first woman I ever had sex with. We lived together for a little over five years, suring which time our oldest son, now 42, was born. Forty years ago we were married. I am 67 years old and she is still the only woman I’ve slept with; more importantly, she’s the only woman I’ve ever wanted to sleep with.
I don’t know whether our two older sons, Travis and Ted, and daughter, Tara, were in any intimate relations prior to their marrages but I am very confident that all three have been faithful to their spouses.
Our son, Trace Jr., who’s 27, is the lovable pig I mentioned. He keeps trying to find a woman with whom he can get serious but I keep reminding him that that will require some thought about a woman’s intelligence and personality. Since he was about 15 or 16 his only concern has been how big a girl’s boobs are and how fast she can get her clothes off. Trace’s best buddy loves to tell the story of a night he and Trace and Trace’s main squeeze at the time went to a local pub. The best buddy was assigned to keep TRace’s main squeeze occupied while Trace took a gal he’d met out to the parking lot for a quick romp in her car. I am not proud of that offspring at this point in his life (’tho he is very serious about his job with the family firm).
Our twins, Taylor and Tyler, are 22-year-old twins who just were graduated from college. Both are gay. Tyler tells me he is still a virgin, that he has yet to be in a friendship where he has felt comfortable evolving to a sexual relationship. And I’ve encouraged him to wait for that special young man who’s certain to come along someday. Taylor is not a virgin. I’ve learned that he had some flings while in boarding school when he learned that a lot of guys in his dorm, gay or not, were willing to experiment or “just mess around”. He settled down in college and at his graduation we met a really beautiful (not just looks) youg man with whom Taylor has had a relationship for three years. He is spending the summer with us at our farm and my wife and I are hopeful Taylor has found his life partner (and that California voters reject the proposed constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage).
Comment by Trace Phelps — June 24, 2008 @ 7:03 pm - June 24, 2008
Anyone who easily throws out the “men are pigs” phrase is not someone you would want to date or trust. Easy cliches to cover up your bad behavior does not make for a very responsible person.
Comment by Patrick Range McDonald — June 24, 2008 @ 7:27 pm - June 24, 2008
When gay and lesbian people can produce children by having sex with each other, than that will be a valid question. But until then, the answer is that there are stark differences in terms of biological and sociological impact between homosexual and heterosexual couples, and therefore society is perfectly justified in treating them differently.
So, NDT, you excuse bad heterosexual behavior, because most of them, perhaps at some point, can procreate.
Sorry, it’s a valid question regardless of a couples’ ability to procreate.
Comment by Pat — June 25, 2008 @ 8:04 am - June 25, 2008
I have always found this argument perplexing. If men cheat but women do not, then who the hell are these men cheating with. Okay a few are on the “down low” but that’s not the case most of the time. They are cheating with women and more often than not with married women. The same with the unmarried men having sex. They are having it with women.
Perhaps men are more prone to extramarital sex. Or maybe they are just more likely to admit doing so to pollsters and researchers.
Comment by Houndentenor — June 26, 2008 @ 8:44 pm - June 26, 2008
If men are pigs and (presumably) women aren’t, wouldn’t that be an argument in favor of lesbian marriage? Oh wait, I forgot, they can’t have babies, so their level of devotion, support, and fidelity are all for naught.
Comment by Attmay — June 27, 2008 @ 6:58 am - June 27, 2008