It seems that for the better part of my time in LA, I would only end up dating guys with whom I had absolutely nothing in common. So bad did it get at one point that I even signed up for a dating service. And that didn’t help at all.
Well, things started to change just over two years ago where, in the space of several months, I had the two best first dates I’d had since moving out here. And in the subsequent months, I would continue to have a number of great dates, though not yet finding my match. At least I’m no longer meeting guys who say they work out regularly, only to learn that they had resolved to work out regularly — at some undetermined point in time. (This used to happen quite regularly.)
That’s not to say all my dating experiences have been pleasant ones. Some have been truly bizarre, others disappointing and others illuminating.
Sometimes when I share these stories with friends, they suggest I should write about them.
I was sharing once such story, though not quite about dating, with a straight friend today, noting one of the many differences between gay and straight dating. He suggested I blog about it. So, a bit drained from writing about politics and the politicization of Hollywood, I decided to do just that.
While working out, I commented on this cute guy (very much my type) who usually works out the same time I do. Last week, I had finally confirmed my hunch that this fair fellow was gay, only to learn that his workout partner was his boyfriend. So, I summarized the situation to my gay friend saying something like this:
Just because my hopes were fulfilled when I learned he was gay doesn’t mean I’m satisfied. I mean, sometimes for us, we gotta first figure out if a guy’s gay. When you were single [my friend is married], all you had to do was figure out if she’s into you, then proceed from there. We need to figure out if he’s gay before knowing how to proceed.
He agreed.
Please note that I write this with a smile. Sometime it seems it’s something of a fool’s errand to try to figure out if someone is gay or not. Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’s available. And just because he’s available doesn’t mean he’s interested.
Such is life.
Dan, I’m envious and at the same time relieved that I don’t have to deal with your situation. Envious because I wish I wasn’t old enough not to be interested in dating but also relieved that I don’t have to deal with it. I was fortunate, met my partner early on, had a good many years with him, and am now quite content to live alone. It’s amazing how sex becomes so much less important with age. But I do miss the companionship, the sharing, dealing with the bills together, knowing that you are not alone, coming home to someone, listening to him snore in the middle of the night and not minding it. Good luck, I hope you find what I was lucky enough to have had. BTW, how’s that new nephew doing?
i apologize for hijacking…i posted in this in the appropriate thread, but no one is going to read it. re: your implication that the stimulus package came out of nowhere and that obama never campaigned on it, i think you should read the transcript of this interview:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27464980/
I imagine that one of the benefits of living in West Hollywood is that there’s a greater probability that someone you just happen to see around and feel some attraction to is gay. For those of us who live in areas that are not major gay population centers, the chances of just seeing someone attractive who also happens to be gay are much, much less likely. Although I know of one gym in town which seems to have a higher proportion of gay members than the others, it’s nowhere near my neighborhood, and I would never join it because I’d not be likely to go there (it was enough trouble getting to the gyms near me). That leaves gay bars (I’ve tried them in the past and am not into the scene), gay activism (too many leftists for my taste), connections through gay friends (what gay friends? There was a group of guys I used to hang out with, but their lives revolved around the bars, and I stopped hanging out with them when I gave up on that scene. Aside from that, I’ve been invited to some events by my ex in the past year, but I haven’t gone because he’s a far-left activist sort, as are all of his friends), and online dating (which I’ve been trying, mostly unsuccessfully for the past few years). As far as online dating, it seems that there are a few different types of guys: those looking only for semi-anonymous hookups, those who agree to meet and then decide they’re not interested (or conversely, those who I agree to meet but don’t really find myself attracted to, though this seems to happen much less frequently than the other scenario), and those who are very interesting online and who always seem willing to chat, but who never seem to be able to find the time to meet.
Actually, the argument made was that Obama never stated during the campaign that his intention was to pass a trillion-dollar stimulus package that involved sending money primarily to Obama Party interest groups.
Obama lied to the American public, boob. Furthermore, given the fact that he is a tax cheat, that his administration is made up of tax cheats like Geithner, that he supports tax cheats like Daschle, Solis, and Rangel, he is a hypocrite who intends to make honest and hardworking Americans pay more taxes when he and his fellow Obama Party members like you have no intention of paying them.
Bob, I just read the interview you linked and while I found Obama advocating increasing spending on infrastructure, didn’t seem his proposing a massive “stimulus” of the kind he just passed. He didn’t put a price tag on the infrastructure spending he proposed. And it was, in the end, only a fraction of the total “stimulus.”
Oh, and one of the Republicans he singled out for praise happens to be one of the last of the upper class Republican anti-Semites, Charles Percy.
Oops, I just allowed you to hijack the thread, but I do appreciate that you responded to my challenge. 🙂
“MADDOW: There may be some policy fights ahead, particularly in responding to the economic crisis that will have both a practical and an ideological component. If we are looking at economic stimulus, is there a possibility that you could see in your first term, if you are elected, that we’d need an economic stimulus program that felt to Americans a little bit like a public works program, a little bit like an FDR-style infrastructure building program?
OBAMA: Well, I’ve actually talked about this. And I haven’t been hiding the ball on this. I think we have to rebuild our infrastructure. Look at what China’s doing right now. Their trains are faster than us, their ports are better than us. They are preparing for a very competitive 21st century economy and we’re not.
One of the most frustrating things over the last eight years has been the ability of George Bush to pile up debt and huge deficits and not have anything to show for it, right? So, if you’re going to run deficit spending, then it better be in rebuilding our roads, our bridges, our sewer lines, our water system, laying broadband lines.
One of, I think, the most important infrastructure projects that we need is a whole new electricity grid. Because if we’re going to be serious about renewable energy, I want to be able to get wind power from North Dakota to population centers, like Chicago. And we’re going to have to have a smart grid if we want to use plug-in hybrids then we want to be able to have ordinary consumers sell back the electricity that’s generated from those car batteries, back into the grid. That can create 5 million new jobs, just in new energy.”
…sounds a lot like the stimulus bill that just passed. did he give an exact figure? no, and any responsible reader would admit that that would be impossible. but they weren’t talking about some rinky dink stimulus here, and i think that’s obvious. and yes, the infrastructure was only a fraction of the whole thing. the 35-38 percent of the package that are tax cuts were put in in large part to get republican votes. hmm that didn’t work out so well, huh.
#3 Kurt
Don’t give up. Let me tell you how I met my partner of thirty years. I was in the Army, 1974, a communications officer stationed at the American Embassy in Saigon. Vince, my partner, was a Marine, on his third tour of duty, also stationed at the Embassy. We both knew we were gay (the old gaydar thing) and became buddies. We hung out together, went to the bars (yes, there was quite a gay scene in Saigon) but he wasn’t my type and I wasn’t his. Or so we thought. Flash forward three years. I’m back home in NYC, out of the service and working in the finance industry. I’m walking down 42nd Street at Fifth Avenue and who do I happen to literally bump into but Vince. He was in town on business from Salt Lake City.
We had dinner, got to talking, and a week later, Vince was moving to NYC, into my apartment. Guess we were each other’s type after all.
Years later we moved to California for my career. We shared thirty years together, built our lives together and our home. I’m sorry to say I buried him in 2007, but I don’t regret one second.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that you never know when or where you’re going to meet that one person. I certainly was not in a gay bar, nor did we have online dating services at that time, but we met never the less. Who would have ever guessed that I would meet my partner in Saigon, at the American Embassy? Open yourself up to the possibilities and see what happens.
thanks for your sharing your story, john in dublin. 🙂
#3 Kurt you nailed a lot of our challenges. It does seem hopeless most times. First of all if you start with the fact that only 2-8% of the population is gay. Subtract the women, the gay men already partnered up and the guys way too young, you are left with a very small pool of prospective men. I live in a rural part of Pennsylvania, not quite Amish country and you can see the challenge more clearly.
The trick is to stop looking. That’s what I did, and that’s when I found my mate.
I was not too keen on the bar scene either. I found most of the people there either brainless Peacocks, or sex hungry guys with no interest in a relationship at all. When I moved from San Diego to Fresno, one of the reasons was that I was sick of the bar scene there – it felt like a dead end. I had given on the love think so completely, I did the foolhardy thing and move from paradise to Fresno! So here I am in Fresno, a town that has only a few gay bars. After a few months, I had gotten sick of the shallow scene here, but there was nothing else better to do. One night I was very bored and decided to go one of the bars that I usually don’t go to, a leather-ish bar called the Red Lantern. It wasn’t an official leather bar, but you would see it there often enough. Well, on the drive over, the voice in my head was telling me that this would be just like all the other nights, and I would be just as disappointed as ever, so I should just turn around and go home. When I walked in, one guy immediately caught my eye – casually dressed, looked a bit bored, but MAN, he was hot! I started making small talk about the videos being shown of male dancers, and soon we started talking about philosophy or something. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about, but it became apparent that, on top of the hotness, this one had a brain as well. He is the man who would end up being the Sonic Mate. It will be 13 years in July, and he hasn’t discarded me yet!
PS. Rule of thumb – if you find someone you like, what ever you do, DON’T spawn on the first date. Makes the next date that much more exiting!
Wait a minit. You live in WeHo? Isn’t somebody going to the gym in WeHo all the evidence you need? C’mon, you can put your gaydar in the freezer for safe keeping when you’re in WeHo.
#10 Sonicfrog
My point exactly. It dosn’t matter where you are, you can meet the man of your dreams when you least expect it, and usually do. Kurt, keep the faith!
You Dorothys are really over the rainbow here. If you are right about us all finding our own true loves……I hate to bring it up, but why all the depression and suicides in the community?
http://thewizardofoz.warnerbros.com/
I wish I had a “bi-dar”
blech
Gene, I don’t think I’ve ever been called a Dorothy before. To bad you’re so sour about your life, I’ve never considered suicide, perhaps you should. Life is what you make it, and I’ve made mine to my satisfaction. Give it a try.
Thanks for bucking me up John I appreciate it.
Especially since the amount passed will more than likely tripple before it’s all said and done. Not only that, but it will leave the states holding the bag for billions of dollars or cutting thousands of people off the social tit.
As far as looking for Mr. Right, I used to do the bars in the Montrose district of Houston going 3-4 nights a week. I had found a guy that I was in lust with and we dated for a few months, but later discovered that neither of us were in love.
After a while, a friend told me that I was never going to find him at a bar and I pretty much agreed. I had given up looking and just went to the bars to drink and people watch. I even quit dressing up and wore what I wanted to wear. I found Javier as I was leaving one bar and going to another. We’ve been together now for 12 years.
My advice is not to be looking for anybody. Just go to the bars or wherever because you want to. One thing you might try is putting a ring on your left hand. The snob queens in Houston rarely gave me the time of day, but folks hit on me all the time after I put a ring on my finger.
Not that I know much about bi’s, but it seems to me like it would be easier to hook up with a guy.
Thanks for the encouragement. I haven’t given up yet, but I think the counter-intuitive advice about “not looking” might be some of the best. I’ve heard that many times before, and there seems to be something to it. Of course, it can be hard to find the right sort of zen-like mindset in order to really follow through with that advice, but maybe one of these days I will.
I moved from TN and lived in WeHo…tried my first two years to find nice guys to date with little to no success. Ended up going to Long Beach, hanging at “The Library” and met really nice people there.
LB seems more laid back “nice” gay than WeHo which to me was too competitive more like a playground at recess. Hard to find nice guys that want to REALLY date most of the time…no matter where you live. Hang in there! It does happen!
Be yourself and focus on what you love doing. You’ll come across far more confidently and positive and you’ll attract far more attention, all for the right reasons. A great relationship is what we all seek but remember that when it comes to sex, men, especially straight men, are flexible.
I actually enjoyed serial dating for a time, but it’s a relief to be beyond it.
My partner’s best friend from college eventually landed in WeHo and then got “marrried” to a fucking neurosurgeon. That was 10 years ago.
My “husband” and I hateed each other in college. Really. I wasn’t interetsed in a relatiuonship and we used to shout insults at each other across the bar. He followed me home one night and I kept telling to go away. That was almost twenty years ago. I later realized I very much did want a realtionship but was all effed up about it after years of disappointment and travail.
If there’s a moral here, I think it might be something like “seeking what you (thinkj you) want aint a successful strategy – live as honestly as you can and be who you are and most things will come out pretty well.
Gawd, where did those rose colored contacts come from?!?
If the “stimulus” bill *was* an infrastructure bill – instead of a pork give-away – there’d be less to criticize.
Long story short: no bob, Obama *still* didn’t campaign on the massive Porkulus that the Democrats recently passed. Think of another apology for him… a new excuse. I know you can.
I got a discount gaydar from my mom when she came out. Still trying to work the bugs out of it.
Funny story. Friend and I were talking about a woman working in a comic shop, years ago. He was working up the nerve to ask her out and I said ‘don’t worry about it, she’s gay.’ He asked if I was serious and I told him I was joking.
He then asks if my mom would check her out. I was kind of shocked. I said “You don’t get a handheld l-e-s-b-i-a-n scanner and a toaster oven when you come out.” He honestly thought there was a ‘sixth sense’ thing going on.
I’d have to agree that the guy often comes along when you aren’t looking or least expect it. I met my other half at a cruisy place. We intended to be a hookup, and 9 years I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him. Odd how it works out sometimes.
Here’s my technique–If I see a guy who is unmarried, over 30, and attractive, I find some way to start up a conversation. I try to send up little signals to see if he’s interested. If so, then we go for coffee. Do you know how often this has worked? Exactly ZERO times. I have never been attracted to an unmarried single guy who has turned out to be gay. Ever. Not one freakin’ time. (I’ve met some wonderful straight friends, though.) If I went to a gay bar on Drag vs. Leather Trivia night, I would find the one guy who was there to say goodbye to being bicurious before his wedding.
The good thing about Nebraska, though, is that the men are SOOO much my type that this technique only has to work once. I mean, one bull rider per lifetime is enough for anyone.
I have found several ¨my types.¨ and if gay marriage had been legal I´d have march down the aisle on a number of occasions. But then if there had been gay divorce, that would have followed. Like Mickey Rooney, I would have had to declare bankruptcy to get out of paying palimony.
Mercy! If he looks like JB Mauney or Chris Shivers, I’d agree.
Well I never have. Javi wasn’t the “type” I was looking for. He’s pretty smart, wiser (no, he’s 43) and cute as a button with a butt to match.
Ah, alas, perpetually single here… but I do tend to collect good friends and younger “brothers”
One day 🙂