Perhaps because I spend the better part of each week blogging about politics, for the past 36 hours or so, I’ve not been too keen on addressing political issues. And given that a friend’s story of a bizarre e-mail exchange earlier in the week reminded me that I had wanted to blog on a similarly strange experience I had had now nearly three years ago, I thought I’d blog on that.
My friend (we’ll call him Dave though that’s not his real name) related how a man expressed interest in him in an online dating forum. Before Dave had had a chance to reply, the man (who somehow became aware that he (Dave) had reviewed his (the man’s) profile),fired off a series of angry e-mails to Dave, saying, in effect, but with words a little more direct, that he wasn’t the man he claimed to be (in his profile).
Now, Dave had not sent the guy one single e-mail, had not said a word to this guy and yet was subject to a barrage of insults. So, I quipped, “The guy does know how to make a good first impression.”
And I wondered if the guy was really interested in Dave, why he would so mouth off at him? Did he think that would make him more likely to respond favorably to his romantic entreaties? This reminded me of my own strange experience now nearly three years ago. I had met a man through an on-line dating service.
After exchanging a few e-mails, we decided to meet for coffee. That went well enough that he suggested dinner. It was a wonderful dinner; we had a great conversation about movies and story-telling, with me waxing eloquent about a particular movie (which he hadn’t seen). So, we decided to watch this flick (then, as now, available on DVD) for our third get-together.
We went to his house, ordered in and watched it. We kissed good-night. It seemed he was interested in, well, become more physically intimate, but I didn’t feel it was appropriate, didn’t want to lead him on. A few days later he calls me up and basically asks, “So, are we boyfriends now?” I said I didn’t know where it was headed, but did want to see him again.
At that point, he proceeded to accuse me of leading him on and launched into a full-on attack. (This broadside continue for about 20 minutes.) Well, that did help me make up my mind about where our relationship was headed. And what struck me more than anything was the same thing which struck Dave. Why would a guy interested in one of us proceed to attack when he did not get the answer he wanted?
It’s not just Dave and me. I’ve related this story to a number of friends (and a handful of acquaintance over the years), with several reporting similar situations. A couple of gay guys have even related how they befriended an occasional straight women who reacted na a nearly identical manner upon learning of their sexuality.
Look, I’ll be the first to say it’s not always easy being single, particularly when you long for affection, and we do need to vent from time to time when we face the numerous obstacles (which appear sometimes as barricades) on the road to relationship. But, what purpose does it serve to express your hostility to the person whose affection you seek? It has always puzzled me how common are stories similar to the one I relate above.
So, I share it with you and perhaps you can help puzzle out the meaning of such venting.
*And some women.
Dan,
As odd seeming as your story (and “Dave’s”) may be, its is not at all unusual. Years ago, back in New York, I was chatted up in a bar while I was waiting for Vince (my late partner) to arrive. The man turned out to be an FBI employee, and as I was to find out, a stalker. There was no sexual interaction, no discussion of dating or even of seeing one another again, but he decided that I was going to be his lover. This man turned up outside my office, outside our apartment, for eight months, virtually every day. I was followed on the subway to and from work. I was followed in the grocery store. Now you’ve met me, and I’m no great beauty, so why did this man become fixated on me? I finally had to contact the FBI in order to bring a halt to the stalking. Be glad you only got attacked after three dates, I only had a 15 minute conversation.
I don’t think this is an uncommon experience. As a woman, I’ve been subject to the same reaction both online and in person when a relationship doesn’t progress the way a man feels it should.
I’ve also been in the position to be attacked over the content of my dating profile by men I haven’t even communicated with. I’m not sure what it is, probably an unhealthy base level of general rancor and an inability to leave well enough alone.
Well, the rules of dating are non-existent in the straight world now, let alone for us. People are confused, awkward, frustrated.
Being newly single again myself, I learned quickly that expectations must be set right out of the gate. You feel like a tool reciting the checklist of do’s and don’ts – like some waiter ticking off the night’s specials. But, there’s Hell to pay if you don’t. This is irrespective of what’s on some profile.
This is an interesting subject, Dan. Not political, but crucial nonetheless.
FYI: Kay Hymowitz did a Bloggingheads with Will Wilkinson about the perils of straight dating a few weeks back. But, I think the same thinking applies here.
Best wishes,
-MFS
We’ve all been there. There was a guy once who I had all of 3 coffee dates with… nothing more, certainly no sex. I decided I wasn’t interested and I told him, directly and fairly politely. Apparently, in Crazy Land that means you want to get married because it was months before the phone calls stopped. At one point he stalked me at the neighborhood church I was attending – although he lived 45 minutes away, suddenly that neighborhood church was the ultimate in what a church should be, that he simply had to attend – yet accused me of being unchristian because God clearly wanted us to be together and I was withholding from him. That’s when I realized, anyone who thinks God is telling them to date person X is almost certainly a wack job.
*lol@ILC* Sorry to hear about your bible stalker. Christians seem to forget that when the Divine talked to someone in the bible it was because things were screwed up, not because he was playing Match.div or something.
Then again, I’ve given up after two divorces and several failed dates. I don’t need to hear the voice of the Divine to get the point 😛
As to the quick turn from love to hate… *puts amature socialologist hat on* Part of loving and caring for someone is to risk reaching out with your own emotions laid bare. Some people take rejection of that as an attack. there’s also a bit of dominance involved, in that we try to control our environment. Most humans can let the man control the beast and decide it’s ‘their loss, not mine.’ But when you can’t/won’t socialize normally, any sort of contact and trust is grasped, with the desperation of a man clinging to driftwood in the Bearing Sea.
That’s exactly it, and something many gays seem to have trouble with. Many straights do too, so I am not blaming gays as a group. But the way I’ve seen the human-vs-beast struggle play out in *some* gay people is: they’ve surrendered to the Beast within, thinking that the inner Beast’s voice must be obeyed, or that its every whim “is” them. As a result (and as you put it), they live their lives “with the desperation of a man clinging to driftwood in the Bering Sea.”.
Oops on the spelling of Bering (I’ve watched enough Deadliest Catch, you’d think I’d know).
OTOH, it does make an amusing if unintended pun.
New morning, new reflection. It could be a control issue. Some people only feel secure if they can ‘operate’ the object of their hopes like an appliance, and get angry and frightened if the appliance doesn’t behave, and want to intimidate or (if all hope is lost) at least to ‘get even’. TL, I think that is basically what you said; different words?
Pretty much. And when they’re isolated, they lash out more.