I had an interesting conversation last night with a straight friend who reported how his girlfriend constantly complains when hangs with his male buddies. It’s not the first time I’ve heard about(or heard) a woman upset when her significant other spends times with his same-sex peers. And yes, I’ve heard the reverse, men who get upset with their wives/girlfriends for their girls’ night out — or similar celebrations.
Our conversation reminded me that the straight folks (at least the ones I know) in the strongest marriages all engage in activities with their same-sex peers. One of our readers enjoys a knitting circle with her female friends while her husband goes biking with his male buddies. It seems that same-sex social contact is essential to the strength of their marriages.
I wonder how this plays out in same-sex relationships. I have one lesbian friend who (sometimes jokingly) laments that her wife has a second spouse — the theater. Perhaps, that second “marriage” contributes to the strength of her first.
Let me just throw this out for discussion. It seems pretty clear that individuals in traditional marriages benefit by balancing their monogamous connection to a member of the “other” sex with associations in groups oftentimes composed only of members of their own sex. How then do gay couples effect a similar balance?
I think this is a related question:
Socially speaking, the difference between males and females is a cultural difference. Hence, every hetero relationship has built-in cultural diversity.
How does this compare the same-sex couples? Is there a greater tolerance for ethnic and cultural diversity, to reach the same overall level of tension?
A little bit of ‘friendly conflict’ in a relationship is good, yes? Isn’t that part of the adventure?
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actually, gastor, the difference is more than cultural. All the latest studies in anthropology, biology, sociology and neuroscience indicate that the difference is more than just a “cultural construct.”
I agree.
But if we limit the scope to only what is cultural, what are the equivalents?
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Interesting question. My partner, who is male, has more straight female friends than male, while I, who am male, have more straight male friends and only one female close friend. I haven’t tried to draw any conclusions from this; what do you think?
Speaking from a lesbian perspective, I’m happy to have my wife enjoy her own interests and friends without me. It gives me time and space to enjoy my friends and interests that she does not share. In my experience, as we become more accepted as a couple (and a legally married one at that), there is less of an “us against them” quality to oiur lives. That changing reality allows each of us to be more uniquly our selvs withi our relationship.
I don’t think it’s as complicated as you’re suggesting it is, which is to say I don’t think it has anything to do with gender of a partner’s friends but the simple fact each partner has hobbies and circles of friends separate from their spouse. As much as marriage or a life-long monogomous relationship is about tying our life to that of our spouse, we are still individuals. To subsume your life into that of a couple — to obliterate your identity and develop a new one as simply half of a unit — is, long term, not healthy. My husband and I have our own hobbies that we do without the other, male or female, gay or straight, whatever… we just have separate hobbies or activities with different groups of friends. As much as we love each other, we still need a break once in a while. JMO.
I don’t ever “need” a break from my partner, nor does he. We truly enjoy being with each other. It is a true mix of lovers and best friends. We never tire of each other’s company, even though we do spend more time together than most couples as a result of our careers. We spend a lot of time talking about our other couple-friends who constantly need to be around other people because when you dig down deep, they don’t really enjoy each other. They tell us “just wait til you’ve been together as long as we have and it will all change. You’ll see!”. Yes, we will. That said, I do not judge anyone else’s relationship by my own yardstick. Everyone needs to find what works for them. However you look at it, every relationship is based on honesty and openness, whether its a marriage, a friendship, or business. I have not given up anything to be married. Each of us has absorbed the other’s interests into our lives. I do not enjoy the ballet nearly as much as he does, but I go to be with him. NASCAR is not really growing on him, but he enjoys it nonetheless because we are together. We’ve taken on interests and hobbies that are new to both of us individually, as a couple. Relationship success is a result of being completely un-selfish and the ability to stop living as if you are still single. That is a huge pitfall for so many gay men, particularly ones who get into relationships well into adulthood. I do see the need in straight relationships for women to do “girl” things that the husband wouldn’t be caught dead doing, and vice-versa. That sort of need does not exist in our marriage.
H-m-m-m. My naive self has a homophobic thought. As a straight male who has lots of male friends to “bond” with, I have never been challenged in any way, shape or form with sexual tension in the friendships.
My female wife goes off with the girls for hen stuff and, again, it is all free of any sort of sexual tension.
So, speaking from the homophobe cave, can a homosexual go out with his gender types by turning off his sexual radar and if so does that mean “choice” is involved?
I question whether you have straight friends with whom you associate outside the work environment. The LGBT community has bastardized the language to allow amongst their community the heterosexual pairing of a bisexual male and female to be called “straight” which could be nothing further from the truth.
I’m a homosexual close to the homophobe caves. I turn off my sexual radar when dealing with the straight guys, but I’m open with them. Note: I belong to a gay cowboy subculture which exhibits faithfulness and dependability. Apparently the straight guys see that and realize I’m not a threat.
I’m going on 11 years in a marriage to a woman. I am bisexual. Marriages are weird things; why some work and others don’t is always too complex to generalize. I think individuals have to get to know their partners and tailor their lives to meet the needs of the couple. I do not have many friends, period, though I used to. As my wife and I have evolved we’ve focused more on children and set aside socializing. Friends drift apart and don’t get in contact for years. It sounds sad but it just feels normal for us. That’s how it worked for me as an individual, at least.