Commenting my post yesterday on civility and monogamy, Sonicfrog offers an interesting and insightful rejoinder to my acknowledgment of the challenges of monogamy:
Living monogamous isn’t that difficult. It comes down to making a relationship a priority over getting your rocks off with a stranger. Granted, the latter can be fun, but the former is, to me anyway, more gratifying.
His comment corresponds with anecdotal evidence I have accumulated from successfully partnered and married acquaintances, friends and family members. Almost all report how easy it is to remain faithful to their partner. Some may acknowledge that attractive individuals continue to turn their heads, while others just say that it’s “wrong” to cheat (as one of my straight female friends did in a rather emphatic tone when I asked her why she had never had an affair*).
It does seem that for some, particularly those who were promiscuous in their youth, that monogamy develops naturally out of the relationship. Many realize that a “roll in the hay” (as it were) might offer a moment’s pleasure, but fails to provide the level of connection and intimacy as does their relationship.
Now, I do have some friends in open relationships and they do seem quite balanced individuals, so that arrangement may work out well for them. But, I also encounter a number of gay men who entered a relationship without either partner expecting to refrain from hookups only to find that, after a time, they stopped seeking outside sources of sexual ‘recreation.” Monogamy just evolved without either seeking it.
*After I wrote that parenthetical, I realized my question might seem odd, but in context less so. We were having a discussion of marital fidelity and knowing she and her husband had a monogamous relationship, asked her why.
Great timing.. My partner and I just celebrated our 29th year together. Before I met him, I enjoyed lots of sex with lots of people but never found the connection. I met him when I was 21 and he was 23. As soon as we met, I knew that I would be happy with just him. I didn’t even have to worry about it. He felt the same way. Now, do we look at others? You bet. Do we look at others together? You bet.
Side note : A few months ago, my partner and I were asked to be photographed for a book being published about gay people in America (we were chosen because we are conservatives). The photographer came to our house. There was lots of friendly chat. About 2 hours into the session, the photographer asked us if we were monogamous. I was stunned. What gave him the right to ask such a question?
My partner summed it up very well, “A liberal would ask that question, a conservative never would”.
I just celebrated my 8th anniversary yesterday with my partner. He is a monogamous liberal and I am a monogamous conservative. Once I started focusing on the hard work it takes to keep a relationship alive and growing instead of thinking about going outside the relationship for fleeting pleasures, my relationship (and the sex) has been getting better and better. Sometimes I think fear and/or laziness keeps men from focusing the hard (and rewarding) work of maintaining their own relationship.
TnnsNE1: congratulations on the happy occasion!
I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) accept a polygamous relationship. All the other issues aside, I just hated dating… neither hubby or I are particularly sociable – I guess we were lucky to have found each other.
Now past 50, I much prefer the affection, love and security that comes with a faithful partner.
So, no, monogamy isn’t a challenge – it’s a comfort.
My parents recently celebrated their 44th wedding anniversary together 2 weeks ago; therefore, they make good role models for me. Monogamy &/or marriage takes work from both partners; a relationship is never easy, but the ride together makes it worthwhile if they grow closer together over time. I want to find the right guy to share my life with soon, but, I have yet to find him thus far…
We celebrated 25 years together a few months ago. Monogamy has never been a challenge nor has our relationship been “work”. We enjoy each others company and we have a ball together!!! To echo Robert, we are lucky to have found each other.
True, but the phrasing still puts the focus on matters of gratification, like the individual is faithful only because affairs just happen to be a second-best pleasure.
Maybe they “realize” something more. Maybe they realize that cheating is inconsistent with love, period. Maybe they realize that even if they could get away with it, the fact of cheating would turn their primary relationship into a lie, an unreal situation. Maybe they want to keep their relationship real.
What a great way to look at it! Thanks, SCR.
We celebrated our 25th year together a few months ago. Monogamy has not in any way been a challenge nor has our relationship been “work”. To echo Robert, we are very lucky to have found each other. We enjoy each others company and have a blast together.
From the beginning, I was adamant about exclusivity and monogamy and to be honest, “Doc” did briefly pause, but only briefly. We have a number of friends both here and in Europe in LTRs, and to the best of my knowledge, they are all exclusive.
Over the years there have been opportunities, as when I travelled for business, but the biggest reason I never succumbed, I believe, is that it would break my heart to hurt my beloved.
This may wind up being a double post. I hit enter by mistake about halfway through the first attempt.
“monogamy isn’t a challenge – it’s a comfort”
I think it’s a bit of both. I mean I make the obligatory Grace Park jokes, but would never stray from my woman. Doesn’t mean that I don’t look, and the mind doesn’t start that process of sizing up. It means that I don’t act on those impulses.
So what if it is? Learning to walk is a challenge. Learning to play piano is a challenge. Learning a foreign language is a challenge. Are none of these things worthwhile just because they are difficult?
Thank you V, you said it much better than I was trying.
Hey Livewire.
V…. Keep that filth on your blog!!!! No Bleed-over!!!! 🙂
I’ll have to check when I’m not on a work computer *laugh*
Really, folks, monogamy is so yesterday. Look at how long so many of the rich and famous hang on to just one mate. If they had sets of mates to burn through, their “marriages” would last longer. Think about it. Rotating the stock. It works. Think Charlie Sheen. He burns his wick at both ends and keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking, ticking…….
Monogamy is only a challenge for people who are not serious about their relationships with their respective spouses in the first place.
Yup, seen that one. Didn’t like the Maxim shoot too much, too heavy on the make up. 🙂
I was thinking about this while I was at a hockey game at Madison Square Garden. I was on my way to the rest room during the first intermission. Some guy walks up to me while unwrapping the plastic from a pack of cigarettes, and asks me where he can go to smoke. Apparently, he thought that arenas still have smoking areas, but I informed him that one can’t smoke anywhere in the arena, and if you go outside, they won’t let you back in. So, if you want to watch the whole game, you couldn’t smoke for 2 1/2 to 3 hours (and the game did go to a shootout to make things worse). Of course, I didn’t tell him that some desperate addicts resort to using a stall in the men’s room. In fact, when I went to the rest room, it smelled like a nicotine infused forest fire.
So, it made me think, what is so tough about refraining from smoking at a hockey game? Even when it was allowed, it involved walking to a crowded smoking area. Or now, it involves breaking the law and smoking in the stall. Reminded me of desperate folks like Larry Craig and George Michael who had to have sex in the rest room.
Same with monogamy. It’s not like you can snap your fingers, and you instantly become an adulterer. You really have to take several steps to get to that point. And at any of these steps, your rational mind can take over and stop it. At least the most rampant adulterer can go three hours without having to cheat on his spouse at a public toilet.
Had to? No, they chose to. Other than that, I’m in general agreement with your thesis; it does take effort to get some on the side. There are exceptions, of course. For example, people in long-distance relationships like TGC and myself. For us, it would be logistically easier to hook up locally than it is to arrange snuggle time with our significant others. But we make the choice not to.
V the K, agreed regarding “had to.” It was clearly a choice, although, in their minds, they may have felt that’s what they “had to” do.
For the first two years of my relationship with my partner, it was long distance, and we made the same choice you and TGC did.
How very typically closed-minded to exalt the ease of monogamy by only inviting the input of monogamous people. 🙂
[Trying to parse, Tim, what your comment means. Please explain. If you’re commenting to my post, please understand its speculative nature. I’m asking, wondering, not concluding. –Dan]