Several years ago when volunteering at Outfest, I ended up the sole male in a conclave of lesbians. When the conversation turned to sex, I learned a new term, “lesbian bed death.” A young woman in the group who quite enjoyed, shall we say, intimate encounters with members of her own sex, denounced those older ladies who don’t have such encounters as regularly as did she.
When she became older, she vowed, she would continue to be as active as she then was. She seemed almost angry at her older counterparts for not partaking as much as she did. I interjected that maybe, as she aged, she would come to value other things more. But, she was adamant. She would remain sexually active throughout her life. As should all women.
Now, I had never previously heard the term — and would later learn the notion has often been discussed, its conclusion has also been disputed:
But where did this idea of “lesbian bed death” come from? Thank sociologist Pepper Schwartz, who, in her 1983 book American Couples, asserted that lesbians have less sex and intimacy than other couples. Although her methodology and results were later challenged, the idea of lesbian bed death has taken on a life of its own, with damaging results.
Despite the shibboleth that women’s sexuality is something wild that has to be controlled, and the stereotype of lesbians as the asexual mirror-image of horndog gay men, the truth lies somewhere in between: Lesbians who have been sleeping together for decades manage to keep their love lives spicy. Besides, the lesbians who are in long-term relationships would argue that all couples get tired of marathon sex.
As I pondered this notion that summer when it seemed I was exclusively managing theaters screening women’s films with overwhelmingly female patrons, I noted that most of the older lesbian couples seemed perfectly happy. If a healthy sex life is conducive to human happiness, then clearly these women had such a life.
Perhaps, some of those (apparently) happy couples did indeed suffer from bed death. Could it be that at a certain stage in the relationship, physical intimacy is no longer necessary to maintain emotional intimacy, that is, they didn’t need sex to remain connected?
Or, simply put, I was asking if a committed couple could indeed find happiness without having an active sex life?
Look, I don’t know the answers to these questions and realize that each couple has to work these things out for themselves. But, the thought came to mind again when I blogged about ex-gays and now as I sit in a coffee shop facing an Orthodox synagogue.
When I hear the ex-gays protesting too much, I hear individuals trying to convince themselves that they no longer feel the attractions they once did. In other words, while they may claim they no longer find members of their own sex attractive, they still feel drawn to their same-sex fellows. They’re not really “ex-gays” so much as non-practicing homosexuals.
And then the question begs itself: can a non-practicing homosexual be happy, feeling the attractions he (or she) does, yet not acting on them?
Well, my partner and I have been “together” for 14 years. Of that, I’ve been living about 1,000 miles away for 11 years. When we do get together, it’s nice, but we don’t try to catch up for “lost time”. We enjoy being together and sex is not the most important thing (obviously).
Sure we’d prefer to be living together, but circumstances are in the way. We’ve talked about breaking up, but we love each other too much and neither of us can be bothered to start all over again with someone new.
My Mom & Dad are in their 60’s & 70’s respectively, & they still engage in sexual activity to date, despite the fact my mother reads romance novels as a hobby. I think romance novels are cookie cutter sex, but she reads them all the time (her favorite author is Nora Roberts). They have been married 44 years so the love is still strong. In other words, yes a committed couple can find happiness, but sex remains an important part of the equation.
When I was in the closet, I was so deep into myself that I disconnected from my sexuality; as a result, I was a late bloomer for almost everything. After I came out to my immediate family, I still took some time to adjust of being out since I spent so many years concealing my true, authentic self.
I believe the ex-gays disconnect from their true selves; hence, their obsessions with gays themselves. Worse, many of the so-called “ex-gays” were once out gay men & women, yet have been either shamed or willingly brainwashed into believing homosexuality is wrong or evil. In the long run, I believe the ex-gays are a destructive cause since they want gays to disconnect from their true, authentic selves using God & the Bible are their weapon. The ex-gay movement may have good intentions, but they do more harm than good.
I just “read” a falseness with any ex-gay person; my intuition tells me they are off & I should distance myself from them. I get this same feeling around certain religious people who use the Bible as a weapon rather than a book for wisdom, peace, & strength.
I’d heard of ‘dead bed’ myself. Glad to see the article, since it’s not something my mom’s comfortable talking about
I have never heard of lesbian bed death.
“Lesbian bed death”? Even if it does exist, who cares?
“Non-practicing homosexual” is a much better term than “ex-gay”. I don’t believe it’s (humanly) possible for most homosexuals to become “ex-gays”. I do believe, however, that’s it’s humanly possible for homosexuals who desire it to be non-practicing, but only if they regard their “true, authentic selves” to be something more than who they desire to sleep with.
“Lesbian bed death”? Very funny.
Seane-Anna rang in with:
And I actually agree with her technical definition. The Ex-gays term IS really a misnomer created to further the conversion groups propaganda. Glad she recognizes how biologically/physiologically impossible it is to actually viscerally change a certain orientation. But she falls just short in her understanding of “true authentic selves”.
Yes, I actually do agree with Seane-Anna that true self DOES go beyond who you desire to sleep and that is just as true for gays and lesbians as it is for heterosexual people regardless of level of sexual activity. I can understand some in the gay community decide to become “non-practicing” or at least “a lot less practicing”. But it’s another thing to willfully condemn your own being to create a false life that all too often results in betrayals and lies, especially for the families created wholly to “prove” to an ex-gay that they’ve changed only do discover they can’t change and suddenly their nice, “straight” family are in for a shock when their husband/father or mother/wife get caught “giving in to their temptations”.
Everything Sebastian said was spot on including the “falseness” he picks up from these characters. While I haven’t met any ex-gays personally, I have picked up that vibe from people I’ve met who seem fascinated with what gay people are doing but vehemently insist they are straight. To my utter (lack of) surprise, further down the road a number of these folks do finally come out and acknowledge their true selves.
These posts have me thinking about ex-gays and wondering at the reason someone would chose such a strange way of expressing their identity. I do agree that nonpracticing homosexual would likely be more accurate, or even if they were to state that they have chosen not to engage in sexual activity, but there might be something more to it. I have never spoken to one of these people, so I can’t be sure of anything I’m saying, but might it be possible that these people identify as ex-gay to distance themselves not from the concept of being homosexual, but from the word ‘gay’ and all the imagery that comes with it?
I mean a lot of people seem to have odd notions about what it means to be gay. There’s talk about the gay community as though being gay makes you part of some exclusive little club with membership criteria and for some reason it seems like a lot of people have a view of gay men being highly sexual beings and placing sex above all else (I’m not saying that all people see gay men this way, I’m just saying that it’s very common on even the most ‘pro-gay’ places on the dark corners of the internet where I spend my time).
Maybe ex-gays call themselves ex-gays because they want people to think, right away that they are not whatever negative stereotypes one might associate about homosexuality.
Khepri,
Maybe it’s akin to how some alcoholics call themselves ‘cured’ and other say they’re ‘recovering alcoholics’? Since Alcoholism does seem to have a genetic component, it does appear to be apt. My donna was an ‘ex-alcoholic’ by her own definition. She woke up one day wnet “I drink too damn much” and never touched a drop again.
Lesbian death bed… Does that have anything to do with the Tomb of the Unknown Lesbian in Belmont, CA??
Remember to promote LGBT Equality, in every way, in every day of your life.
And remember: if your parents don’t support Marriage Equality, and a culture where people are not predisposed to prejudice against LGBT people then they haven’t actually accepted YOU.
So, demand that your parents become advocates for LGBT Equality. I’d hope that gay conservatives are taking the time to get their families to be “Out” in their support of the LGBT Community and marriage equality.
Remember: if your parents wont’ fight for you to be allowed to legally marry, then they’re disrespecting you
So, little Kiwi, you’re telling us exactly how we should think and what we should advocate?
What does your comment have to do with the post to which it is attached?
Reminds me of the old perfect woman joke: Deaf, dumb, over-sexed and her father owns a liquor store.
I wish someone would define intimacy. Does that mean the sex act itself, exclusively? I spent 30 years with the same man and believe me, intimacy is much, much more than just sex. It’s the small every day things that you don’t think about much, but just do. Like holding hands in a movie, a good morning kiss, a quick slap on the ass when he gets out of the shower or just listening to him snore at night. Sometimes I think gay men think only with their dicks; for God’s sake, there is so much more to intimacy than sex, and that includes the bad things too, the overdue bills and worries about making the mortgage payment together during the hard times; helping survive, or succumb to, an illness.
As a non-practicing gay man (by that I mean no longer sexually active) I am most certainly not an “ex-gay” and I fail to understand how one makes that weird connection. I’m as gay now as I ever was, still enjoy looking at a handsome man. I simply chose not to engage in physical relationships any longer.
Ex-gays would insist they are no longer homosexual, therefore, “cured” of their affliction. The problem is their thesis. Homosexuality is not a disease. But I always read a fundamental wrongness about them. How many ex-gays eventually either commit suicide or revert back to being gay? This is why I believe the ex-gay movement is destructive & wrong.
Remember: if your parents wont’ fight for you to be allowed to legally marry, then they’re disrespecting you.
Correction. If you throw a screaming fit and insist that your parents don’t love you unless they do everything you demand, you are disrespecting them and acting like a child.
In your case, you’re also psychologically abusing your parents. Granted, they choose to allow it, but at their age, that likely constitutes elder abuse and is against the law.
Upon first glance I thought the title said lesbian bad breath…
What is “why Maddow is so ornery”, Alex?
What happens when Rachel Maddow, Katie Couric, & Anderson Cooper walk into the same room a the same time? The press asks if they are identical triplets.
It’s the single people that have the action. This has always been true.
My aunt’s former wife, recently held an informal poll about this on facebook and found that of the lesbian couples who voted 68% of them were still active twice or more a month. I think most couples just get busy rather than have a concerted effort to have less sex.
My 3 rules for maintaining a happy lesbo sex life
a) Sleep in the nude
b) No TV in the bedroom
c) Never ever use the bathroom with the door open
Ugly, I may have to share that with my lesbian friends. 🙂
While I do not see eye to eye on many issues I do like reading your blog.
The problem I have with non-practicing homosexual. It sounds like more of denial of reality that people can move between homosexuality and heterosexuality. It like calling a person who bails out of a marriage for a homosexual lover a non practicing heterosexual.
We are not slaves to our DNA and instincts like an animal.