Let’s hope this one inspires a spirited non-political discussion without polemic or ad hominem.
In the past few weeks, I have become increasingly friendly, in the sense of stopping to chat with three fetching young men in the course of living my life, but none in environments which are specifically gay. I am pretty certain (but not entirely so) that one of the three is gay.
With the other two, I get very mixed signals. A gay friend is convinced that one of them is straight, but each time I become so convinced, he gives some sign suggesting he might prefer, um, well, shall we say “intimate” relationships with his own sex.
A straight friend agrees that it is hard to tell with the last individual. And I asked him the other day if he thought it was okay just to go up to him and ask if he were gay.
He suggested instead I should ask if he’s dating anyone and see how he responds to that.
Did my straight friend give me good advice? How would you handle these situations? Do you think it’s appropriate to ask someone if he’s gay?
(In the comment thread, I will address how I handled another recent situation when I learned that my interlocutor was indeed gay.)
Whenever I’m in those situations, I’ll out myself first and see how he (and it’s usually he) responds. Thus, “Yeah, that kind of crazy person reminds me of an ex-boyfriend. You have any exes like that?”
Daniel, you are indeed free to make your own choices here, but for me, I’m too damn old to be any guy’s “first,” so to speak. Far too much drama there, from my own experience.
Doug Stanhope (an occasional genius) once verbally pictured sharing a hotel room with a notoriously promiscuous (and gay) fellow comedian, and swore he could feel “the a** sweat of some buzzed, confused college kid” on the bed. That’s about all I have to say on the subject of “firsts.”
However, as to the “are you dating anyone” question, it seems to me that that is an entirely appropriate question, in that in addition to answering your question, lets him know in a classy way that you’re quite gay, and quite interested in him.
Miss Manners would indeed be proud.
By the way, this sort of post is exactly what I needed after this week. Thanks!!!!! 🙂
How about this one from a straight male.
Assuming that these are individuals you might be interested in dating, why not just propose a date? I presume, of course, you’ve sort of ascertained that these guys are not hostile to gays.
After all, such a move has the issue of getting the matter of sexuality and romantic interest out in the open. While it might be a little bit awkward (I always found asking out women I didn’t know really well, or being asked out by one, a bit awkward), it is unlikely to be taken as offensive. Heck, when a gay co-worker asked me out, we both got a great laugh out of the whole thing and became good friends — and I’ll concede being flattered despite my firm lack of interest in dating another guy.
Three? I’m now insanely jealous of those lucky enough to live where there actually-are other gay men….especially single and/or date-able ones. (I did learn years ago when I was in the big, bad, gay-friendly city that those terms are not mutually-exclusive.) Here out-beyond the ‘burbs I haven’t meet another date-able gay man literally in-years, so my notoriously-bad gaydar is beyond repair.
My suggestion would be to pick the one that most interests you and blatantly-invite him on a “man-date” and see how he responds….if straight/unavailable you’ll still have fun, and if gay he’ll get the clue and either you have fun, or maybe have some “fun”.
Just remember that you’re two aims are a good time AND testing the waters. The danger is that you can have what happened the last time I tried this happen…
I was at a boring tho’ necessary on-site group architects and engineers seminar, and one of the engineers there was this cute early-30s James Marsden-type. I was bored (and intrigued) so I cautiously followed the Old Trolls Handbook and invited him to join me for lunch after the seminar before he headed back to Philly. I figured I’d put the cruise on him, no harm done as long as I was “hands-off”
We both had so many common interests, professional experiences and fun over a two hour sushi-lunch that I never did find out if he was gay/straight, married or single, or interested… For all I know he was gay and available, and thought I was the straight one at the table. **sigh**
Why not ask the presumed straight one if he knows if the obvious gay one is gay? This is the safe approach, which might encourage him to expose own preference.
Well, after looking at the Gadsden Pride Shirt at Cafe Press, the options might be a bit too bold. . . to see how these folk may respond, but there are also other ways to engage in conversation with the intention of introducing the topic of a ‘date’.
Some folk have relied on wearing personal items that identify oneself.
Those pride rings necklace(ugh) or pride ring from the late eighties, an HRC t shirt (I know that this option is not on your list BDB), or an item from GOProud.
all depends on one’s personal tastes.
but then you have the other option of downloading one of those apps that identify gay folk in the crowd. But there are many folk who refuse to use such apps.
Best of luck, BDB. and hope there is a follow up if you end up with a date.
…And you want to know why? Unless you are interested in dating him, don’t ask and enjoy the interaction until you are friendly enough with him to ask. What have you done/said to let him know about you?
ILC may back me up on this, but if dating someone young and fetching is your goal, you don’t go after them. You let them come after you.
ok unless you’re attracted to redneck white trash types you’re probably pretty safe askin younger dudes if they’re gay- for some reason the 20s age seem pretty laid back about the gay thing, excepting athletes in certain sports…. i tend to go for the “so gay you can tell from a mile away” dudes, so, i guess it’s easy for me lol!
Jesus, Mary & Joseph, this entire thread is making me feel like an old queen.
I’m well on my way to becoming the Carroll Todd of the gay right-wing blogosphere.
I swear, if any of you ask me to sing “Shady Dame From Seville,” I’ll find you and give you a good thrashing.
With a pasta fork.
From Sur La Table.
🙂
I swear, if any of you ask me to sing “Shady Dame From Seville,” I’ll find you and give you a good thrashing. With a pasta fork. From Sur La Table.
Um….wouldn’t that make you the Julie Andrews of the right-wing blogosphere? 🙂
“La lala lah,lalala, **hack** lalala…” Ole’!!
No, smartass. ROFLMAO!
YOU’RE NOT HELPING, TED!!!!
But that WAS funny! 🙂 I LOVE that scene. 🙂
To quote Tallulah Bankhead, when asked if a celebrity was a homosexual, “Well, I don’t know, darling — he’s never s**ked my c**k.”
Tallulah Bankhead will no doubt go down (all puns intended) in the annals of history as the most prototypical, stand-up broad ever to work in Hollywood.
My God, she was magnificent in her shamelessness.
the pearls, however, are non-negotiable
— the fabulous Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in the upcoming movie The Iron Lady
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Im2UvBs_gfs
Now that might be a great date for you BDB
the pearls, however, are non-negotiable
— the fabulous Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in the upcoming movie The Iron Lady
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Im2UvBs_gfs
Now that might be a great date for you BDB
the pearls, however, are ABSOLUTELY non-negotiable
I never ask “Are you gay?” Where heterosexuality is suspected, I might ask “So, do you have a girlfriend?” to open a casual conversation. Where homosexuality is strongly suspected, I might ask “So, do you date girls or guys?”
Yes, heh 🙂 Actually it wasn’t my goal, I generally don’t like younger guys, I find them somewhere between “unfinished” and “silly”. I was chased recently by a younger guy who has the same opinion of his peers.
I can also vouch for the fact that ILC is indeed quite the catch. 🙂 As is our kind host Herr Doktor Blatt.
See, it would be my luck that it would turn out like an SNL Pat sketch. The guy could answer with “Yeah, Pat from down the block.” or Chris, Cary or some other androgynous name.
Who?
Further, Dan, the last I heard, you were seeing someone. I haven’t been notified of a change in status.
But has he returned your Judy Garland albums yet?
Dan, the next pool party is at the end of July. I know you couldn’t make the last one, but if you like (and if you haven’t found out by mid-July), invite him along and mention off-handedly that it’ll be mainly (though not entirely) gay men.
I remember Tallulah. What a gal! I wish we had someone like that today. I don’t remember her making that particular comment but judging from some of the other comments, I don’t doubt it at all.
Yeah, that was pretty much my point of view, and pretty much what happened to me.
Sigh, I remember when “younger guy” meant old enough to enlist.
Now, it’s old enough to run for POTUS.
At-least on this site I don’t have to hand out my patented Constitutional Decoder Rings…I hope.
Get your friend to pass him a note saying:
Said with only half my tongue in cheek, cus this actually happened to me once. And the guy was a hottie, so it worked.
Some younger guys are attracted to more mature guys because they have unresolved daddy issues; these guys are messes and should be avoided like Wal-Mart on the day after Thanksgiving. But there are others who just find their peers to be insufferably shallow; and if the inane burblings of Levi and Dooms are typical for that group, who can blame them?
I’ve asked around, and guys who have made relationships where the age difference is 20+ years have all said respect is the key. The role-playing thing and the sugar daddy thing aren’t sustainable. Seriously, how can a relationship last if it’s based on acting out a fantasy? Respect, acceptance, commitment… these things work.
Re #9. “redneck white trash types”. Or black ghetto trash types.
And if anyone wants to play “Ooooh, that’s racist”, please tell me why it’s ok to use “redneck white trash”.
Actually, I had fun with that. Check out’s a bit tough, but it can be done.
Makes sense.
Or even palatable.
I’ve asked around, and guys who have made relationships where the age difference is 20+ years have all said respect is the key.
Pretty much.
As someone who is in one of those relationships (24 years, to be exact), it’s all about how you view each other. The hilarity is that my partner has nephews that are older than I am, but like he puts it, he always thinks I’m older than they are – and they act as though I’m an older uncle too.
Generally you can spot those guys right off. They drive a late-model sensible car, live in the moderate rent district, need to sign off by 10 so they can get a good night’s sleep before getting up early to go to the gym, and consider the buzz from three Bud Lights to be more than sufficient.
In other words, they mentally and emotionally graduated from college.
I take it the classic method of questioning doesn’t work?
“Do you…like movies about gladiators?”