In honor of Gay Pride Weekend in Los Angeles, Patrick Range McDonald of the LA Weekly asked me to write an essay answering the question, “What does it mean to be gay?” This is my response:
I can’t remember the last time I was asked — or even considered — the question, “What does it mean to be gay?” I don’t really think much about being gay any more. I just am gay. My sexuality is an essential part of who I am, but it doesn’t define my existence.
I take it for granted that others know. As a result, I am occasionally surprised when women interpret my friendly interest as a romantic (or sexual) advance. Ever hopeful that men I find attractive will find me attractive, I often forget that woman too can be drawn to me.
After all, most people in our society seek romantic/sexual attachments with members of the opposite sex. It’s only natural that then a woman would take an interest in a single man. And when one does, her interest serves to remind me of the difference created by my emotional/sexual orientation and the journey required to find myself where I now stand — taking that difference for granted.
Unlike our straight peers, gay individuals must distinguish ourselves from the social norm in order to be true to — and live out — some of our deepest feelings.
You can read the rest here.
If I were to use gay pride parades to judge what it means to be gay, I would say it means wearing nothing but a speedo (and perhaps a bead necklace or one of those feather things) and dancing in a sexually provocative way in close proximity to other men who are doing the same while waving a rainbow flag.
In seriousness though, I think being gay means absolutely nothing other that what it actually means. In other words, it means you are sexually attracted to members of your own gender, and that is it. It doesn’t mean you have to support gay marriage, or be a liberal, or be promiscuous, or be effeminate (as I would hope most people, by now, are aware).
I should say though, that your essay did resonate with me. You actually described some of my experiences almost exactly, especially in that, after I accepted my sexuality, I started feeling more comfortable with myself in general. That wasn’t because it is a big part of my identity, it was because I was putting too much importance on sexual orientation instead of other characteristics.
Just in case my first comment isn’t clear, that is how many gay people represent themselves, so it is reasonable to judge them that way. And since that is the image that gay pride parades conjure, but are still the defining event of the “gay community,” I would say it is reasonable to judge the entire “gay community” that way because that is essentially how they represent themselves (considering gay pride parades don’t serve any purpose).
Happy PRIDE, Dan. Thanks for sharing your thoughtful candor. Perhaps you played a role in broadening the horizons of commenter beercrabs.
a very insightful post, Daniel. may i add another dimension to your thoughts by saying it sounds as if you found a dimension of individualism that the majority of people never have or can experience.
I am not sure this applies but this is what I see. As teens, gay people just want to fit in. As adults, gay people are willing to sacrifice their individuality in order to fit into some role they think they have to fit into.
The television media supports and expects it as well. When was the last time there was a gay character on TV where their sexuality wasn’t squeezed into a stereotype box?
Will & Grace?
Modern Family?
Project Runway?
RuPaul’s Drag Race?
Real World?
I want to see a drama on TV that involves a gay character that isn’t a total mess and that isn’t a mass of stereotypes.
Happy Pride
http://i1124.photobucket.com/albums/l569/rusty98119/abfeea64.jpg
TnnsNe1, your first ¶ corresponds to something I’ve observed as well. Indeed, as I prepared to write this post, I reviewed a paper I had written for a grad school course on Jungian psychology on Jung’s idea of individuation. And I make exactly that point!
Great minds!
the big reason i brought up the concept is because we are either individualists or collectivists. and the following sounds like individualism rather than collectivism:
“Unlike our straight peers, gay individuals must distinguish ourselves from the social norm in order to be true to — and live out — some of our deepest feelings.”
i can’t think of a better description of individualism. that , to me, is a necessity of individualism for anyone.
as for tv stereotyping i find it true of all the supporting cast. only the lead role gets to exhibit any type of individualistic traits. its what makes him/her the hero.
don’t like stereotypes. . .create new ones.
the changing faces of the GOP gay folk is leading to a process of the evolution of many.
Sanford and Sons, Good Times, The Jeffersons. Puhlease
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_f7js0mLwY4
Admiral Fitzwallace John Amos of Good Times fame
Nice essay.
What does it mean to be gay?
Respecting freedom of expression and thought for every human being on God’s earth.
A lot of what you wrote feels familiar.
In the arc of gay identity formation, I guess, after 35 years, I am making my way through and out of it. My erotic character remains unchangedly male-oriented, but my sense of connection to gayness continues to fade. I’m afraid that Jack Donovan’s “Androphilia” hit me hard a few years ago. His description of actual gay culture and identity as composed of group victimism, feminist-inspired ambivalence about men, and left-wing political herd behavior is all too true. The whole sexual Yugoslavia known as LGBT is really about destroying gender difference, not about sexual orientation. About now, the only thing I like about gay men as a group is that they have sex with other men. As for the rest, bye bye. From gay to post-gay.
#8.. thank you. Sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed by the comments on this site due to my lack of information regarding the social sciences and such (numbers and computer geek here). For instance, I have really no idea who Jung is/was.
#12… “About now, the only thing I like about gay men as a group is that they have sex with other men”
I feel exactly the same way. I am partnered (30 years), so I don’t even have sex with them ! Even less in common.
Ugh. How I LOATHE so-called “Gay Pride.”
Oh, and for TnnsNe1 : DO look into Jung. He was a fascinating character with some profound insights. His theory of Archetypes is good stuff…also his exploration of the concept of “Synchronicity,” i.e., MEANINGFUL coincidence. If I’m not mistaken, he even dabbled with the I-Ching. Do yourself a favor and look into him. He has a lot to offer.
Dan, very good essay. I enjoyed it, especially this point.
Being gay thus means more than just accepting our own difference, it also means, well, it should mean, being open to the stories of others – being better able to acknowledge their struggles and better able to appreciate the great variety of human experiences.
Unfortunately, gay persons, as well as anyone else fail in this regard, and with other persons. These differences include, but not limited to, political ideology, religion, age, attractiveness, and economic status.
That just about sums it up for me. If others want to take it and expand the meaning to encompass a larger part of their identity… Who am I to quarrel. It’s their life.
As far as “gay pride” goes…. I’ve said it before. I’m not proud to be gay. If there is pride connected to being gay, it’s in the fact that I was eventually able to come to terms with the unchangeable fact that I am gay, live life to the fullest on my terms as a gay man (stop avoiding the fact that I’m gay), and stop torturing myself because I’m gay. Until I took that step and accepted that fact that I’m gay, and stopped trying to fight it, , I would never allow myself to get close emotionally with another man. I would kill and sabotage anything that even looked like a relationship if it started to get serious in my heart. I didn’t have a real relationship, of any kind really, until I was about 28.
I didn’t have a real relationship, of any kind really, until I was about 28.
Sonicfrog, I got you beat in this regard. As you state, acceptance is key to being able to happy with yourself and to share your life with someone else. I knew I turned the corner once I stopped wishing that I was straight and that being gay was right for me.
I have used the word pride to describe this feeling. It’s not that I’m any more proud being gay than any other identity, and I’m more proud about accomplishments. I see it as being as proud as straight people are, as opposed of being ashamed for being sexuality attracted to people of the same sex. That we could lead full lives without having to hide in the closet and apologize for what we are.
“Gay people are born into, and belong to, every society in the world. They are all ages, all races, all faiths. They are doctors and teachers, farmers and bankers, soldiers and athletes. And whether we know it or whether we acknowledge it, they are our family, our friends, and our neighbors. Being gay is not a Western invention. It is a human reality.”. Hillary Clinton
Brothers & Sisters offered a gay character that “wasn’t a mess.”
@Tnns,
I liked how Sam was portrayed in Cparica. With him and Larry, it was just a part of his personality, not a defining part.
I find that more ‘productive’ than making a big neon sign screaming “I’m gay!” in a character. They bickered, loved, and were loved. The only difference between them and Joseph and Shannon was that Shannon was a woman.
Lets just put it this way – If someone asked me to list all the things in my life that I’m proud of, “being gay” would never even occur to me to put on that list. Scoring 8’s and 8 1/2s on a forward 2 1/2 somersault on the 3 meter board would get mentioned way way way before anything having to do with gay.
Sonicfrog, I pretty much agree with you. Accomplishments are something to proud of, more so than an identity you are born with. For too long gay people were made to be ashamed simply for being gay. Pride was one way to counteract it. Perhaps there’s a better word that would best express my point.
Madonna bared her nipple. Gays cheered. (sarcasm)
What does it mean to be gay?
At the risk of engaging in vulgarity, it means I fuck guys instead of girls. That’s it. Period. Done. Over.
And it has every bit as much importance, relevance and significance as the fact that my eyes are aqua green (no–really!) and my hair is naturally very curly.
@ Pat,
A wise woman told me years ago, “We’re not kinky people. We are people who are kinky.” I think that’s the key point. Being gay (or straight) is a part of who we are, not the sum. People who are “wearing nothing but a speedo (and perhaps a bead necklace or one of those feather things) and dancing in a sexually provocative way in close proximity to other men who are doing the same while waving a rainbow flag,” (To use Rattlesnake’s lovely image) are so busy being gay that they allow themselves to stop being (and being seen as) people.
Personally, I ‘see’ you, Dan, Bruce, V the K, ILC, etc. as people, who happen to be gay. (Well I’ve actually seen Dan once)
Exactly, Livewire. When the day occurs that “people who happen to be gay” are not looked at in a negative light by a significant number of people, there will be no need or demand for “gay pride” any more there is a need for “straight pride.”
People who are “wearing nothing but a speedo (and perhaps a bead necklace or one of those feather things) and dancing in a sexually provocative way in close proximity to other men who are doing the same while waving a rainbow flag,”
I promise you that will be one image of me you will never see, and to the benefit of everyone, does not exist. 🙂
We can’t do anything about our sexuality. It just is. I can’t do anything about my green eyes. They just are. Why would I be proud of my green eyes?
I can change the lives of at risk youth. I am proud of my 7,500 hours of volunteer work with at risk youth. I am proud of adopting 2 special needs children. I am proud of my 30 year relationship with my partner. I am proud that my partner and I were PA Same Gender Ballroom Class D International Dance Champions. I am proud of my slice serve and my left hook.
#22.. Our youngest son was into diving. He was fearless. I hope you know how scary that must have been for your parents. I always had trouble watching. Any pictures/video of that dive?
Pat, the word I use to describe my attitude to being gay is “indifferent.”
Did anyone cheer? I hope not.
Some of the comments here make me sad… and I don’t find anything enlightened about generalizations, including the one about “losing my individuality”. I am proud of being gay because I have had to fight some pretty gnarly battles to accomplish things a heterosexual would not have. I fought and won.
Good comments, Daniel. I guess what it really means to be gay is that I also noticed how cute you are…
Rattlesnake and TnnsNe1, at this point, I’m indifferent as well. But that wasn’t always the case. I have always been indifferent with my hazel eyes (or whatever color they are). But if I had to cover them with sunglasses for fear of anyone finding out, being condemned by friends, parents, colleagues, etc., for having hazel eyes, things would be different. It’s not that I would be proud of my hazel eyes, but happy that I could be in an environment where I would be accepted for having hazel eyes.
I consider my eyes to be green, but I’ve also known people who thought they were blue or hazel. I say this mainly because I’m not out to everyone, and while some folks know I’m gay, some merely speculate, and others don’t know, though it’s not because I lie about it, but just because I don’t volunteer what they don’t know. I can think my eyes are green, but I don’t particularly care if others don’t see it or think they are another color. In any case, I’m pretty indifferent, too, and while I made an effort to identify more with the gay scene when I first allowed myself to come to terms with my attraction to men, I certainly don’t identify with it any more.
Although I know that much of Kinsey’s work has been debunked by subsequent research, I’m still one of those folks who really does believe in the idea of the Kinsey spectrum, and I probably fall at around a 6 or 7 on the gay side. I used to tell myself that I was more emotionally attracted to women and more sexually attracted to men, but that has changed, too, over time, as the women to whom I considered myself emotionally attracted in my twenties wouldn’t appeal to me any more and in the past decade I’ve realized I’m more emotionally attracted to men, too, than I was years ago.
I’ve got very little interest in the gay scene or the gay left or the way most of the gay folks I meet buy into the politics of gay left activism, and I don’t seem to have any luck meeting more like-minded gay folks (outside of this website and a few others, though I’ve never actually met anyone from here in person). For that matter, I seem to have trouble meeting more like-minded folks in general, and to me that is more of a challenge.
Congratulations on winning those battles, Rob W.
But keep in mind that many straight people have had to fight some pretty gnarly battles to accomplish things that you would not have.
Fighting battles is not the burden of any particular group, but something that all of us have to do at different times in our lives.
Excellent response, jman1961. One thing gay people often seem to forget is that adversity is universal (although, I can’t imagine being rejected by my family). Adversity isn’t an excuse to behave irresponsibly, though.
Rob W, why does that make you proud of being gay? Why not be proud of your accomplishments?
So, because I use the mouse with my right hand, self taught to type, and haven’ been killed in a road accident, should I fly a ‘Sinister Pride’ flag?
When I was having a tough time in high school (for reasons other than being gay), my father dropped this little piece of wisdom on me : “People everywhere have had rough times, moments of doubt and moments of loneliness. The direction of your life is more important then where you are at any given moment.”
Not bad for a Catholic father of 5 with a high school education. I am proud of my father.
‘She knew this transition was not about becoming someone better, but about finally allowing herself to become who she’d always been.’
for those who appreciate Pride activities. . .
They know this transition (PRIDE events) is not about becoming someone better, but more importantly are about finally allowing themselves to become who they had always been.
Livewire, that was pretty gauche of you to suggest such a thing. 🙂 More seriously, if there are enough left-handed persons who have such a need, I would say, go for it. One difference I see. At least today, left-handed people are not made to feel ashamed about their handedness. Parents aren’t treating their left-handed children like pariahs for expressing their handedness preference (or worse) acting on it. Left-handers being told to stop pushing their left-handed “lifestyle” on them. Family members, friends, colleagues putting them down, and not acknowledging any of their left-handed friends (or worse) romantic partners. Left-handed persons aren’t told, “we love you left handers, we just hate the sin of using your left hand.” etc. If this were the case, I would bet that there would be Left-handed Pride Month as well.
But, as I said, you can start such a pride event. You might be able to get my partner to join you. He is just as sinister and gauche.
TnnsNE1, great quote by your father.
Heh. Well I use my left handedness often as an example, since a) We were pretty persecuted in the past and b) We’ve become successful w/o legislation or ‘left rights!’ I joke about not being able to dance because I have ‘two right feet’ or gripe that there’s only one left handed superhero, and he’s dead.
Personally, I think that ‘Pride’ parades are counter productive, in that it attracts the worst of society. (Just like the Folsom Street Fair attracts the worst of the BDSM crowd and makes it harder for those who like to play in the comfort of their own homes). You may choose to march in a pride parade, Pat, but when you are walking and on a float behind you are two guys in speedoes doing simulated acts, wouldn’t part of you go. “Yeah, I’m gay, but not like those two…”
FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE long labeled sinners–and understandably sensitive to the charge, which is still made–it’s more than a little ironic that gays and lesbians should select a sin as our annual rallying cry. And it’s not just any sin but the sin Pope Gregory the Great called “the queen of them all.”
An early Christian monk, Evagrius of Pontus, made a list of “wicked human passions,” of which he determined there were eight. He listed them in ascending order of all-around wickedness: gluttony, lust, greed, sadness, anger, sloth, vainglory, and pride. In the sixth century, Pope Gregory the Great took Evagrius’ list and cut it down to seven, combining some (sloth and sadness, vainglory and pride), and adding a brand new sin, envy. Gregory’s revised list–pride, envy, anger, sloth, greed, gluttony, and lust–were known to his contemporaries as the Seven Capital Vices. We call them the Seven Deadly Sins. In the 13th century, St. Thomas Aquinas chimed in, observing that before a person could lust like a weasel or go green with envy, he first had to commit the sin of pride. This made pride not only the deadliest of sins, but “the beginning of all sin.”.
Dan Savage the Stranger 09/99
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/pride/Content?oid=1313
Patriotism, they say, is the last refuge of a scoundrel. In the 30 years since the Stonewall riots, pride has become a sort of gay patriotism; yet it seems to have become the first refuge of gay scoundrels (and the first marketing ploy of beer and vodka companies). Perhaps it is just my experience, but I’ve found that the harder someone waves the rainbow flag,, the likelier they are to be a user. The more someone believes that gay is good, the ruder the shock when they discover they’ve been manipulated or exploited by one of their “brothers and sisters.” The sudden realization that gay pride is a line of crap–that a shared sexual orientation tells you next to nothing about another person–can result in a disillusionment every bit as poisonous as the shame Gay Pride is supposed to cure. To prevent disillusionment, we must prevent illusions from taking root in the first place. Ultimately, we’ll never be truly whole until gay people are neither crippled by shame nor addicted to pride. Only when our homosexuality means absolutely nothing, to others and to ourselves, will we be free
Dan Savage
Livewire, one problem that happens all too often is, when there is a miscarriage of justice in one direction, and a remedy is attempted, we get extremism in the other direction. We see that happening with bullying now, as an example.
Personally, I haven’t marched in any gay pride parades. I once participated in the march on Washington in 1993. And I have seen parts of gay pride parades. For the most part, they are typical run of the mill people who participate, who are not particularly outrageous. But we do get some of the extreme elements that you suggest. So, I don’t think most of what exists in gay pride is fine. But some of it is counterproductive.
Pat, but when you are walking and on a float behind you are two guys in speedoes doing simulated acts, wouldn’t part of you go. “Yeah, I’m gay, but not like those two…”
It wouldn’t just be “part” of me.
From Rusty’s quote of Dan Savage (yes, I know he is a big favorite here), “Ultimately, we’ll never be truly whole until gay people are neither crippled by shame nor addicted to pride. Only when our homosexuality means absolutely nothing, to others and to ourselves, will we be free.” I think I have to agree with Savage here.
I’ll second that agreement.
But it’s only going to happen when the majority of gay people stop approaching every situation and entering every interaction with their ‘gayness’ being at the forefront.
Part of my irritation with Dan Savage, Pat is he talks a good game, but data shows he doesn’t walk it.
Re: Bullying. Trying to ‘stop bullying’ is a fool’s errand. kids will *always* find someone to bully. Hells, I’ve been talking to a kid (18+ guys, do I look like Tim?) who gets crap from his fellow gays because he likes to crossdress. If that’s not an example of hanging seperately, I don’t know what is.
Re: “Not being shamed or proud.” I don’t know how one ‘becomes’ that to be honest. I do take pride in the advantages my handiness gives me for example, while accepting and adapting to its limitations. but then I don’t associate myself with people just because I’m left handed (I don’t feel comradship with the current president for example).
Livewire, I definitely wasn’t attesting to Savage’s character regarding his quote, or even if he meant it. But I did agree with that quote.
Re: bullying. Like any other bad thing (murder, robbery, assault, etc.), I have no illusion that bullying will be eradicated. For some reason, we just let bullying become pervasive. And instead of countering in a rational manner, it seems like instead of addressing and punishing the chronic bullies, we’re punishing ones who may have called someone a name once.
As for your example, that is just one of many where gay people eat their own (no sexual pun intended).
By “shamed or proud” I took it to mean that we want to get to the point where gay people are no longer shamed by their own parents, family, churches, and peers, simply for being gay. And not be any more proud of our sexuality than straight people are and/or other identity we have.
The ‘rational manner’ which I was taught, and which WORKED for generations, was this: punch the bully right in the face. Most bullies cease and desist with alarming speed when they’re greeted with this type of response.
It would work just as well today, except too many in this country are pansy-asses who want to whine and cry about being bullied, and by doing that, give the bullies just the response that they’re looking for, and an open invitation to keep up the bullying.
JMan1961, no one more than me likes to see a bully get there comeuppance when the object of the bully gets a good sock in the face. And teaching kids to defend themselves against a bully, as opposed to whining, crying, etc., is good too. It doesn’t change the fact that our schools have failed to sufficiently punish chronic bullies.
Yes, Pat, that’s absolutely true.
But then our (public) schools are teeming with those same pansy-asses I referred to (teachers and administrators). It would be too pedestrian, too neanderthal, in fact, to promote the absolutely righteous remedy of kicking the bully’s sorry ass all over the playground.
That would be, in leftspeak, too violent, too judgmental.
I call it effective.
It’s also the result of a couple of generations of lax parenting, etc.
Along with the idea that all problems can be worked out with dialogue.
Simply not true.
I mean, we wouldn’t want to damage the poor bully’s self-esteem now, would we? 😉
I don’t think it’s a matter of the bully’s ‘self esteem’ so much as it’s where the bully gets it from.
If the school punishes a bully, they have to deal with bullying parents, and in today’s lawsuit happy society, their vultures.
I grew up in Apalachia. I learned about my sophmore year that if I didn’t punch the bully in the nose, but told him I was going to aim for his bad knee, or crush his throat, that he’d leave me alone. Punching him in the nose wouldn’t work. crippling him for life, that threat worked.