Last night, I had a pleasant dinner, spontaneously arranged, with one of my closest friends in LA. He and I had met about six years via an online dating service. We didn’t feel much romantic chemistry, but did enjoy each other’s company and became friends.
as we occasionally do, we shared our stories about online dating, he kvetching about a man who didn’t call when he promised, but who subsequently kept pestering him with texts, I sharing stories about a number of decent dates I had with guys whose profiles presented a pretty accurate portrait of their personality, profession and passions.
And then we fell to talking about guys who misrepresented themselves on line, with both of us recalling dates with men who just didn’t look like their pictures. I related a tale about a guy I met depicted as thin in his online pictures, but who in person, suffered from a severe shall we say, a severe absence of thin. (After our coffee date, I went back home and checked his profile and ascertained that that was clearly the guy depicted online, but the pictures were at least ten years old.)
And we wondered last night, my friend and I, we wondered what these men thought when they posted these pictures, that their scintillating personalities would make up for the difference in appearance? Didn’t it occur to them that men who responded to the ad would be attracted to that picture and expect to meet someone who looked like the guy in the picture? Or did they believe that the picture merely served to draw the potential date to the profile and that the qualities delineated therein constituted the real nature of said date’s interest?
Or did they believe their own propaganda, that they actually looked today like they did ten years ago, despite the fact that ten years ago, they exercised regularly whereas today they’re making plans to exercise next week?
Physical attraction is, to be sure, just once aspect of what draws one person to another. But, if you don’t look in person presented on line, then your date will be disappointed the first time he lays eyes on you (in person).
More on this anon if there’s interest. . .
What are your thoughts/experiences?
From the other side of things, I often wonder if my honesty is what drives people away “Oh my G_d, if he’s telling me about all these issues… what isn’t he telling me?”
Shrug.
Daniel, you know I love you, right? Because I sincerely do.
That said, you are so gay, even your writing sounds like a show tune. 🙂
Please, don’t be offended. It’s just that I could pick even one of your sentences out of a haystack, so distinctive is your style.
But anyway…as to your question, I think you’re making it more complicated than it needs to be.
Everybody lies, in some form or fashion. That’s not open to debate, I can show my work, you can stop the internal monologue. The problem, therefore, lay in our collective inability and/or unwillingness to understand that when we see the President of the United States’ malfeasance exposed, or we catch a friend, coworker or loved one in an untruth, it really is incumbent upon us to consider first something that we ourselves have done in the past that we would never wish disclosed to another living soul before we even begin to judge what another has done.
In other words, give the guys a friggin’ break, man. Love’s hard enough to find in this world without breaking some other dude’s balls for trying to find someone to watch Dexter with. You don’t have to date the guy, but would it kill you to meet another friend?
After all, that’s how you met your dinner date, right?
Just sayin…
Immediate addendum…
Of course, in referencing the POTUS, we’re talking about a situation wherein the guy sold us on him, only to have cleared out our checking account one afternoon.
But as I said, if I met someone on line (and I have, plenty), and their act didn’t live up the hype, I wouldn’t just get up and walk away. Hell, I’ve done the same shit. Just depends where I was in my life.
Doesn’t necessarily make me a sociopath, you know.
How can you have a relationship that STARTS on a lie? Maria, during those times in your life that you may have done something like that, were you capable of having a healthy relationship? Looking back, when I was an idiot, I couldn’t have formed a real relationship, so it might be worth just walking away. Think about it, a person who looks nothing like his profile pic is either lying to you and thinks you are too stupid to notice, or lying to himself about what he really looks like. If they are that deceptive (or condescending) from the beginning, how is there any potential for a healthy relationship in the future (romantic or otherwise)?
*My Sharia, not Maria…ha.
Reminds me of the night I met Justin. We had been chatting for weeks before we finally met in person; and he was so scared that I would reject him that he almost canceled.
I’d be interested to hear more about your experiences, Dan. Thanks for posting this.
Why would someone lie about something that is so obviously demonstrated as a lie simply by meeting the person you are trying to impress?
I am not saying it is evidence of psychoses, but to lie about stuff that you know can and will be proved a lie exposes something about that person’s character, or rather lack of character.
Dan, When was the last time you updated your online photos?
It’s a pathology akin to politicians who run as centrists and govern like hardcore leftists.
Lying works, or they wouldn’t do it.