SCENE: The White House Situation Room
THE PLAYERS: The POTUS, the V-POTUS, the SecState, NSA (National Security Advisor Susan Rice), the Ambassador to the Ukraine, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Press Secretary.)
POTUS: All right people, what’s up with this Ukraine thing? And make it snappy, I’ve got a Tee Time.
Chairman JCS: Mr. President, Russia is flying troops into Crimea to secure the strategic seaport at Svastopol. The Treaty of Budapest obligates the US to come to the aid of Ukraine in the event of Russian invasion. If we signal weakness on this, the Chinese may see this as a go-ahead to retake Taiwan…
SecState: Okay, enough with the warmongering jibber-jabber. I’ll have you know I served in Vietnam. In my opinion, Mr. President, Ukraine is just a distraction from the real strategic threat.
POTUS: Which is what?
SecState: Global Warming, of course.
POTUS: Right, of course. (Checks watch) Mr Ambassador, what can you tell us about the situation?
Ambassador to the Ukraine: (Shrugs) I don’t know. I only got this job because I donated 400 large to the campaign. I never even heard of the place. For real, up until my confirmation I thought U-Crane was like some crane rental company or something. Like -Haul… but with Cranes, you know what I am saying.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs: Mr. President, if I may…
POTUS: Shut up, warmonger. Susan, what’s your take on this.
NSA Susan Rice: Well… have you guys ever seen that video where the cats are in Russian uniforms marching to Laibach?
POTUS: What does that have to do with anything?
NSA Susan Rice: I just wondered if we could blame it for what’s happening in Ukraine or whatever.
POTUS: Good thought. Let’s bookmark that. Jay, where’s the media on this.
Press Secretary: It’s getting serious. MSNBC even broke their coverage of Bridgegate to talk about it.
POTUS: Well, what did they say?
Press Secretary: Rachel Maddow is blaming the Koch Brothers.
POTUS: Finally, some good news. Joe, you’ve been quiet. What do you think we need to do?
VPOTUS: I think we can just ride this one out and count on the media to cover our asses as usual. Meanwhile, throw some red meat to the base to keep them distracted. I hear an interracial gay couple in Alabama found a cross on their lawn.
POTUS: Was it burning?
VPOTUS: No, it actually turned out to be a real estate sign that fell over, but Dan Savage has already sent about 70 furious tweets about it. If we point, the media will gin up something, and before you know, Ukraine will be all “What difference does it make” and “phony scandal.”
POTUS: (Smiling) Joe, that’s why you are the brains of this outfit. All right, I’m out. Later, gators.
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