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I Like the Cut of This Guy’s Jib

January 8, 2016 by V the K

Instead of some PC bullshirt about “Oh, I would pay off my parents’ mortgage and start a charity so that underprivileged children with autism could swim with the dolphins,” this guy gives a much more honest and realistic answer to the question of “What would you do if you won the Powerball?”

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That is, apparently, what real Powerball winners actually do.

Also, the reporter seems to have the IQ of a small appliance bulb. “Why is the jackpot so big? Because no one has won it.”

With insight like that, she’ll be covering the White House for CNN afore too long.

Y’ever think about what you would do if you won a big jackpot? All I know for sure is I would never, ever tell anyone.

Filed Under: Pop Culture

Comments

  1. charles says

    January 8, 2016 at 9:20 am - January 8, 2016

    If I won (a big IF as I don’t pay extra taxes by buying lottery tickets; and I certainly wouldn’t stand in line to pay those taxes) I’d change my name and move so no one could find me.

  2. Craig Smith says

    January 8, 2016 at 9:39 am - January 8, 2016

    A devout Christian would pray every single night to win the Powerball jackpot.

    After twenty years of this constant prayer, he finally prayed, “God, I’ve been following you all my life. The Good Book says, ‘Ask and it shall be given unto you.’ I’ve been asking for decade to win the jackpot. Why have your forsaken me? Why haven’t you answered my prayer?”

    Suddenly there was the sound of thunder and lightning all around the Christians house. A choir of angels was then hears, and a booming voice that seemed to come from far away and right beside him could be heard:

    “It would help if you would, you know, buy a lottery ticket…”

  3. Miguel says

    January 8, 2016 at 10:40 am - January 8, 2016

    “Hookers and cocaine”
    A Secret Service Agent!

  4. Christina says

    January 8, 2016 at 1:16 pm - January 8, 2016

    Lol… i’m one of those liberals…

    We would pay off our mortgage, put money aside for the kids, figure out retirement money, and if there was enough to fund us without careers, quit our jobs and do what we want… even if that means playing candy crush while working as a gym receptionist.

    I’d also like to help our parents and help our church build their own building.

  5. Gene says

    January 8, 2016 at 2:37 pm - January 8, 2016

    I once knew a guy who had a detailed plan worked out for the day he wins the lottery, all built on the idea that the best strategy would be to stay the hell away from the public spotlight at all costs. Job one would be to hire a lawyer to represent him in all matters, and then he would get the hell out of town with his family and disappear for a good long time.

  6. TheQuietMan says

    January 8, 2016 at 3:48 pm - January 8, 2016

    My plan is pretty similar to Gene’s friend’s plan. Of course, I only buy one lottery tickat a year whether I need to or not, so I’m not likely to implement that plan.

    Then I’d figure out how to take care of what’s important to me, and then have play time with the rest.

  7. RSG says

    January 8, 2016 at 4:35 pm - January 8, 2016

    While I share the sentiment of remaining as private as possible, the reality is that many of the states whose lottery commissions are members of the consortiums which run Powerball and MegaMillions have ensured that you absolutely, positively, can’t have the level of privacy that you desire.

    For the lotteries depend on players who not only get paid when they win (ahem, Illinois), but that the potential players know that someone actually wins (and presumably gets paid). The libertarian in me thinks that the obligation ends when the buyer purchases a ticket and agrees to either select an annuity option or a lump-sum payment, but there are only a handful of states which have privacy clauses in their lottery statutes.

    For those that don’t, if you purchase a winning ticket in a large enough amount, the only way you can collect on it is to answer the cattle call when they inform you of it and face the media. So, if you don’t purchase that winning ticket in Arizona (one of the states with dedicated privacy clauses), then along with your purchasing wish list, you’d better devise a plan to thwart some of that unwanted attention.

  8. Ted B. (Charging Rhino) says

    January 9, 2016 at 1:37 am - January 9, 2016

    I generally only-buy a ticket when the pot gets so-large that I would feel foolish if I didn’t buy one. But just one, multiple tickets don’t shift the odds enough to be worthwhile.

    What I object to is the local “news media” outed a huge-winner here in NJ several years ago BEFORE he came forward. They figured out where and when the ticket was sold and then used the store’s surveillance video to identify a store-regular who bought the $100-million-plus ticket by the time-stamp — and announced his name on TV, where he lived and showed his picture buying the ticket. If I remember, he hadn’t even told his family yet. All in the name of the “…public has the Right to know”, and it’s good for the 6pm Evening News’ ratings.

    Similarly; Every reporter and photographer who trampled-through the San Bernardino Jihadis’ townhouse the day-after for “an exclusive first-look” and their immediate bosses, and their Network and newspaper bosses, should have been summarily rounded-up and frog-marched to Guantanamo for tampering with a Terrorism-scene as material accomplices-after-the-fact.

  9. RSG says

    January 9, 2016 at 6:51 am - January 9, 2016

    They figured out where and when the ticket was sold and then used the store’s surveillance video to identify a store-regular who bought the $100-million-plus ticket by the time-stamp — and announced his name on TV, where he lived and showed his picture buying the ticket.

    Okay, that’s when I would find the best ambulance chaser in town and start filing lawsuits—against the store, the station owner, and the nimrod who thought this would make a hawt story/scoop for the particular sagging newscast on which it was first announced.

    It goes without saying (or should) that they were essentially setting him up for a future home invasion robbery or a personal attack.

  10. Heliotrope says

    January 9, 2016 at 8:51 am - January 9, 2016

    First, I would get someone to show me where and how to buy a lottery ticket.

    Second, I would buy just one.

    Third, I would lose it among the gas receipts and the napkin collection in my car console.

    Fourth, I would never know if I won.

    Fifth, if the fates forced the money on me, I would immediately give $22,000 to each person on a list I have made of people who are always whining about money. In exchange, they would be required to henceforth and forevermore shut up about their damned money problems. I choose the sum of $22,000 because it exceeds their usual $2,000 “needs” and because it should be enough to kickstart prudence if the prudence gene actually exists within them.

    Sixth, I would go about my business of living as I have been living and telling people who suddenly like me and want to be my friend to build an altar to me and spend their spare time praying to it.

    Seventh, I would get some pants without frayed cuffs.

  11. David Hunt PE says

    January 9, 2016 at 3:41 pm - January 9, 2016

    Have an amount big enough to earn interest and live comfortably, pay off all bills, and give generously to charity. And the principal? Requires two signatures to get at.

  12. Craig Smith says

    January 10, 2016 at 5:09 am - January 10, 2016

    @Heliotrope The prudence gene probably does NOT exist in them, if the statistics from lottery winners is any indication. Most of them are right back where they were before within ten years, primarily because they think the money will always be there.

    This is also why most NFL and NBA stars end up right back where they came from after their pro careers.

  13. Steve says

    January 10, 2016 at 5:44 pm - January 10, 2016

    I only think about buying a ticket when it goes over $300 million. I would probably get $1million in physical gold and bury it somewhere before I do serious spending.

  14. Sailorcurt says

    January 11, 2016 at 10:17 pm - January 11, 2016

    Luckily, I’ll never have to make the decision as to what to do with it. I prefer to rely on more traditional means of making money…like…for instance…work for it.

    Besides, I think taxing stupidity is immoral and our government should not take advantage of intellectually challenged people in such a way.

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