Today, voters in… what is it, 11 states? something like that? Mostly southern states but also Massachusetts and Vermont for some reason … will go to the polls and vote. According to Very Nice People Who Support Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, all subsequent primaries will be irrelevant. (Or in Hillary’s case, all primaries period.) According to Very Nice People Who Don’t Support Hillary or Donald… Nuh, unh, there’s still like, more delegates and stuff. Whatever. Here’s a really brief summary of where America stands with each candidate as of this morning.
1. Hillary: Her victory will be a Testament to the Democrats’ complete indifference to corruption, incompetence, criminality, and their own stated anti-corporate value set.
2. Sanders: The choice of people dumb enough to think the only reason socialism failed in Venezuela and Zimbabwe is because Scandinavians weren’t in charge of it.
3. Rubio: If the last 15 years constitutes a success story for Republicans in your mind, Rubio is your candidate.
4. Trump: An angry mass of contradictory positions, childish insults, and incoherent policy statements; the very embodiment of the American electorate in 2016.
5. Cruz: Brilliant legal scholar, hated by the Washington Establishment for confronting their corruption and dishonesty, and at the end of the day, way too smart to be President in the Age of the Participation Trophy and the Low-Information Voter.
6. Carson and Kasich: Like the supporting actor and actress at the Oscars, nobody cares.