‘House Hunters’ is a fake reality TV show on HGTV where couples pretend to shop for houses, awkwardly act out scenes where they pretend to choose a house, and then at the end of the episode stand on a balcony drinking wine/have guests over for a staged dinner party. It’s like the ‘CSI’ of HGTV, with like 12 or 15 different minor variations. ‘HouseHunters International’ ‘HouseHunters Renovation,’ ‘HouseHunters Sharia’ (that would be a good one, yes?).
It blows my mind that people in Los Angeles will pay north of a half million dollars for an old rundown bungalow. We bought a big historic church for less than a quarter million. When we were house-hunting (which we actually weren’t, the church was just an opportunity that popped up), we had just a few practical ideas; affordability, suitability, convenience to work, quality neighborhood.
The people on HouseHunters are either insane or coached to be insane because that’s good TV. There was one gay couple who demanded that the house had to have a grand staircase so that in case they adopted a child they could one day pose the child for prom pictures in front of the damn staircase. There was a woman in Boston who wouldn’t look at a house more than ten years old because she was convinced it would have ghosts. At the end of the show, she walked around the house performing a cleansing ritual that involved burning incense and chanting against the spirits that might dwell in the house. (What do you wanna bet she thinks southern Christians are weirdoes?)
The husbands on these shows are like nebbish Republicans. Their main concern is staying within budget, and they have a pretty short list of practical wants. Their princess wives are like Democrats; they have to have a particular style, they have to have crown molding, they have to have stainless steel kitchen appliances, they have to have granite countertops, they have to have a formal dining room, and damn the expense, they’re going to get it. Nine times out of ten, the husbands cave to the wives and go way over budget so that the wife can get her gawdam crown molding. “The important thing is she’s happy,” they say at the end of the show behind the kind of forced smiles you see on Congressional Republicans and other hostages. And then the wife always says something like, “I didn’t get everything I wanted, but we can always upgrade,” and then she cackles like Nancy Pelosi.
There is a lot to be said for the Republican/Father, Democrat/Mother idea.
Democrats/liberals want to take care of you. Nothing is your fault. Taken to the extreme they will keep the child in the house until they are 60 if they don’t think they are ready for the world, and of course they never think they are ready for the world. They NEED their mothers.
Republicans/conservatives want you to take care of yourself. They want you to take responsibility for your own actions. Taken to the extreme, they want you out of the house on your 18th birthday, whether you’re ready or not. Be a man. Stand on your own two feet.
My “favorite” is the person who bases a $450,000 purchase on the color of paint in the master bedroom.
Second favorite is the “ecology minded” family of 4 buying the second home which is only slightly smaller than their 4500 sq foot first home.. “We don’t want to be on top of each other while we are trying to get away”.
Third favorite.. International buyers who want their new home to be just like their old home. Sort of like the new wave of immigrants. “My old country sucked, looks like your country doesn’t suck. But when I get to your country, I am going to make it suck so I feel at home.”
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When I was a child, I listened to a radio program on Saturday morning called “Let’s Pretend.” It was sponsored by Cream of Wheat which implanted a jingle in our little minds: “Cream of Wheat is so good to eat – we could eat it every day. We sing this song and it makes us strong and it makes us shout hooray! It’s good for growing babies and grownups, too, to eat. So, for all the family’s breakfast, let’s have Cream of Wheat!”
That radio program sold an ocean of Cream of Wheat.
The House Hunters programming in all of its forms is a “Let’s Pretend” for the little minds of adults who are being told by the home remodeling and revocation industry (HGTV) that if you don’t have crown molding or granite counters or stainless appliances or exotic showers or massive rooms created by blowing out walls, that you are stuck in a cave with a bunch of neanderthals.
I suspect that due to the popularity of these shows that the struggling new house construction industry has been buoyed up with remodeling and renovation jobs.
As to my beef about these shows, I zero in on the Property Brothers. They sucker a couple into a huge renovation and always, like clockwork, find some bruising, unaccounted for problem that any decent home inspector would have found in a heartbeat. But, without cutting into a second of advertising time, they solve the money problem by eliminating the “in-pool parking area for the RV” and throw in a wine fridge in the half-bath and everything is peachy-keen and the numb-skull buyers are giddy.
You guys live in a historic church? That sounds awesome. I love seeing old buildings that weren’t designed as homes converted to them for a new lease on life.
If not for you all….we say it yu’ll here in flyover land….if not for your blog, or whatever it is…..my days would not be as accomplished. I love humor, I love everything God created and your blog…well….it…rocks. There I said it, I meant it and live it…..God bless you, in the only way he knows how…..? Who knows, God will sort it all out when this earth He created is no longer worthy of His love. Until then we have to love or………..well there is nothing or about love.
Those shows are sad. Shows like that depict suburban American middle to upper middle class families as such soulless, materialistic douches.
$500K is a starter home in LA.
Lol. Loved your punch line. 🙂
Thank you for the tip about a show I should carefully avoid watching for the sake of my mental health!
We are looking at an older farm house…. 5 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, bee hive stove, huge barn, shed. All structures in good shape. 100 acres of woods, pastures. $299,000…
I have ALWAYS hated that show, and I couldn’t put my finger on why. Now I know!! Thanks for elucidating for me!! Fixer Upper, however, is one of my guilty pleasures. Who doesn’t love some good ship lap? And yes, I <3 this blog too! This and Acebook O Spades, and Weaselzippers (the aggregated news site) are my top 3 favs! Thanks for such a smart and funny blog! You guys do great work, and the commenters are absolutely golden (Peter H, V to the K, Sean L, North Dallas 30, etc.) I'm a straight Asian woman, so not your usual demographic. 😉 or should I say ',-).
First, thumbs up to what Web L Loafer (5) said. And people in SF are lucky to get a shed for under $1.5M. Pressed wood houses going up smack on top of each other no garden or view (except neighbors’ front room ) for the “low 1 millions” granite tops non-optional.
Location,location,location
The only problem with living in a church is I keep imagining VtK’s mate being named Ray, having a dog named Fasha, occupying the bell tower while the main sanctuary, which has had all the pews removed is piled high with garbage.
If it were true, I’d consider driving up with there in a red VW microbus with shovels and rakes and implements of destruction.
In Whitopia you can get a mortgage on a nice place for less than you would pay for a rent for a parking space in a die verse city.
Women prefer security and consider the STATE to be the best husband they could ever have. The state will always be able to redistribute money to them. STR8 men want a society that families can prosper under.
I generally like the show, but too many Millenials are pampered brats that want to live near downtown Philadelphia in a splendid old house that sells for 200K and has five bedrooms on a half acre lot. Their expectations are absurd, but when you have been spoiled your whole life and told how great you are, you expect everything to be on a silver platter.