‘House Hunters’ is a fake reality TV show on HGTV where couples pretend to shop for houses, awkwardly act out scenes where they pretend to choose a house, and then at the end of the episode stand on a balcony drinking wine/have guests over for a staged dinner party. It’s like the ‘CSI’ of HGTV, with like 12 or 15 different minor variations. ‘HouseHunters International’ ‘HouseHunters Renovation,’ ‘HouseHunters Sharia’ (that would be a good one, yes?).
It blows my mind that people in Los Angeles will pay north of a half million dollars for an old rundown bungalow. We bought a big historic church for less than a quarter million. When we were house-hunting (which we actually weren’t, the church was just an opportunity that popped up), we had just a few practical ideas; affordability, suitability, convenience to work, quality neighborhood.
The people on HouseHunters are either insane or coached to be insane because that’s good TV. There was one gay couple who demanded that the house had to have a grand staircase so that in case they adopted a child they could one day pose the child for prom pictures in front of the damn staircase. There was a woman in Boston who wouldn’t look at a house more than ten years old because she was convinced it would have ghosts. At the end of the show, she walked around the house performing a cleansing ritual that involved burning incense and chanting against the spirits that might dwell in the house. (What do you wanna bet she thinks southern Christians are weirdoes?)
The husbands on these shows are like nebbish Republicans. Their main concern is staying within budget, and they have a pretty short list of practical wants. Their princess wives are like Democrats; they have to have a particular style, they have to have crown molding, they have to have stainless steel kitchen appliances, they have to have granite countertops, they have to have a formal dining room, and damn the expense, they’re going to get it. Nine times out of ten, the husbands cave to the wives and go way over budget so that the wife can get her gawdam crown molding. “The important thing is she’s happy,” they say at the end of the show behind the kind of forced smiles you see on Congressional Republicans and other hostages. And then the wife always says something like, “I didn’t get everything I wanted, but we can always upgrade,” and then she cackles like Nancy Pelosi.