So, there’s this woman, you see, and her name is Lena Dunham. She is the offspring of two New York Trustafarians who thought of themselves as artists. (Her dad liked to paint gross pictures of hairy ladyparts.) In her autobiography, she joyfully recounts sexually molesting her younger sister, and when Republican-bashing and fake-rape-claims became trendy, she obligingly claimed a ‘college Republican’ raped her when she was in college. (This claim, of course, was false.) Naturally, she has become a left-wing feminist icon because insecure unattractive women telling outrageous lies to bash men is what feminism is all about these days.
Anyway, so, this Lena Dunham person was at some gala. (Aside: I have never in my entire life been to a ‘gala.’ But every time I read about one, they sound just terrible. I think gala must be a word meaning ‘An event where terrible people go to look at each other.’) And she was seated across from Odell Beckham who plays football — the real kind, not European Metric Kickball. And she apparently was distressed because Mr. Beckham displayed no interest in the dumpy feminist in the tuxedo sitting across from him.
I was sitting next to Odell Beckham Jr., and it was so amazing because it was like he looked at me and he determined I was not the shape of a woman by his standards. He was like, “That’s a marshmallow. That’s a child. That’s a dog.” It wasn’t mean—he just seemed confused.
I don’t think that’s a fair comparison; people actually like children, dogs, and marshmallows.
(Aside: I think Mr. Beckham was being most polite under the circumstances. Most normal people, upon finding themselves seated across from Ms. Dunham, would suddenly remember that they had promised to pick up their best friend at the airport and drive her to a hospital because of a family emergency involving the babysitters curfew.)
Anyway, Lena Dunham decided to have a bitchfest about the incident with fellow chubby feminist, the unfunny vagina-comedian Amy Schumer. Who gave her what I guess is the best chubby-feminist-to-chubby-feminist compliment she could manage.
You were dressed like a boy, and you looked sexy, and I really appreciated you showing me your tits several times.
I think she stole that line from the note Barack Obama passed to the Danish Prime Minister after Nelson Mandela’s funeral.
So, that’s pretty much the story, and if it seems like a pointless waste of time… yeah, it is.
BTW, Slate seems to think that if a black football player isn’t hitting on a chubby white feminist, he must be gay. Yeah, that’s got to be it.