“Mr Trump, Madame Secretary, a majority of Americans find neither one of you acceptable as a choice for president. For most Americans, the two of you represent the worst candidates ever put forth by the major political parties. Now, it may be easy to forget this when you are standing in front of a cheering crowd… or, in Mrs. Clinton’s case, a politely applauding group of wealthy hedge fund managers… but out in the real world, most voters loathe both of you…. passionately.
“And this has resulted in a sense of overwhelming despair among American voters, solid majorities of whom report that they now envy the animals in Sarah McLachlan commercials because ‘for them it will be over soon.’ When a pollster asked Americans, ‘If I held a gun to your head and told you had to vote for Trump or Clinton, what would you do?’ nearly a third responded, ‘I would ask you to pull the trigger.’ In fact, this election is viewed by millions of voters as Karmic payback for slavery, the genocide of native populations, and every one of America’s other sins; a choice not between the lesser of two evils, but between the less horrifying of two abominations.
“Now, addressing these wretched voters, the question to both of you is, ‘Why should anyone vote for me even though the mere presence of my name on the ballot can be seen as proof that God has abandoned his creation.’ You have two minutes to respond.”