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I Don’t Get People

I know this guy who I respect in most areas. He’s very level-headed, has a very responsible job in which lives and millions of dollars of property can be affected by the decisions he makes. He’s very intelligent, well-traveled, educated… all the things, okay.

So, a couple of years ago he got involved in a relationship with a guy who had… let’s be polite… an “addiction problem.” Well, said addiction problem led to other problems which led to them breaking up.

After the break-up, the guy with the addiction problem stalked him, both physically and in cyberspace, leading to a restraining order and the level-headed guy selling his house and moving so that addiction problem couldn’t find him. Addiction problem stalked him anyway all the time shit-posting about him in social media.

Well, last month, addiction problem completed rehab (not for the first time) and level-headed guy immediately… took him back and let him move back in.

I concede there’s maybe more to the story than this, but that just seems like a bad decision. I can see taking someone back into your life after they work through some problems, but I’d want some time, at least, to make sure they had actually fixed themselves.

Maybe I lack Christ-like compassion. I really don’t know.



  1. People are not rational; rational behavior is not the natural state of man (sorry, peoplekind). Human beings are ruled by emotions and feelings – it takes a conscious act to make rational evaluation.

    Comment by KCRob — February 25, 2018 @ 1:49 pm - February 25, 2018

  2. The sex can’t be THAT great… **shudder** But it happens, inexplicably.

    A wise older-friend once (several times actually) expounded on the virtues of hot hotel-sex in the early-stages of “dating”. One being your don’t have to let them know where you live [hint – lock your wallet and cellphone in the room safe]. And if they ever-ever-ever show up unexpectedly at work, dump them!!

    The gay and straightish dating pond is wide and deep-enough to avoid dating the fugu.

    Comment by Ted B. (Charging Rhino) — February 25, 2018 @ 2:19 pm - February 25, 2018

  3. I guess the same rule applies to gay people as straight ones: never put your dick in crazy.

    Comment by J- — February 25, 2018 @ 3:20 pm - February 25, 2018

  4. Hormones do not have ethics.

    Comment by Sennacherib — February 25, 2018 @ 4:01 pm - February 25, 2018

  5. It appears that the supposedly level-headed, intelligent, successful guy has self-esteem issues and has fallen prey to the idea that labels (in this case, Rehabilitated) are powerful. And compassion != altruism, secular or sacred.

    Comment by Ignatius — February 25, 2018 @ 5:06 pm - February 25, 2018

  6. This resonates with what happened at me two decades ago. But, I didn’t let the monster back into my life. I got out and stayed out.

    Note: If this is happening to you NOW, a piece of advice. Call a battered women’s hotline and explain the situation. Almost always, you will get a sympathetic hearing. Usually, you can get counseling and it won’t be homophobic. I’m a gay man, and a survivor of same-sex domestic violence. I was a volunteer at a domestic violence shelter and hotline.

    Comment by Larry — February 25, 2018 @ 5:16 pm - February 25, 2018

  7. Isn’t that a storyline from QAF?

    Comment by BigJ — February 25, 2018 @ 5:26 pm - February 25, 2018

  8. “Maybe I lack Christ-like compassion. I really don’t know.”

    Hardly, you’re just going by your gut instinct. Anyone, regardless of their sex or gender, with an addiction problem is not a good choice for a relationship.

    Comment by James — February 25, 2018 @ 6:14 pm - February 25, 2018

  9. This is not unlike the trailer trash white women who get beaten by their husbands, but when the police come by to arrest him refuse to press charges because “I love him!”

    Comment by Craig Smith — February 25, 2018 @ 11:35 pm - February 25, 2018

  10. Maybe I lack Christ-like compassion. I really don’t know.

    When people are really lost, sometimes they are so lost that they cannot be found.

    Do not cast pearls before swine.

    If you’re trying to help and it doesn’t work, then stop helping. For, it’s not helping.

    It might be wasting your time.

    It might be making things worse.

    How to help a “difficult” person:

    Comment by Cyril J. — February 26, 2018 @ 1:58 am - February 26, 2018

  11. Advice for strong, lasting relationships:

    We outsource most of our sanity.

    Comment by Cyril J. — February 26, 2018 @ 2:32 am - February 26, 2018

  12. And if they ever-ever-ever show up unexpectedly at work, dump them!!

    True story: in my younger days living in a large metropolitan area, I attended a weekly discussion group modeled on the “consciousness raising” groups of the 60s. It was for gay men of any adult age—and any relationship status—to encounter other gay men in a non-bar, non-threatening, hopefully healthy environment. The attendance was around 40-75 each week, broken down into 4-6 smaller groups for the actual discussion, followed by a brief social period.

    One week, a young thirtysomething Asian guy was attending for the second time in my small group and related his horror story from the previous week as a newbie. He mentioned that a guy in his small group the previous week had become infatuated with him and, based only on the information he shared within the group (and just his first name), managed to show up at his workplace the next day with flowers and a request to talk to him. The receptionist and administrative assistants were wondering what was going on and why this strange guy was asking for one of the people in the office (being Asian and before the days of we’re-here-we’re-queer-get-over-it, he wasn’t out at work). This happened before the days of the public Internet when if you wanted to uncover personal details about someone, you had to do a little legwork and at the very least consult a telephone directory the size of a large print edition of War & Peace.

    After the discussion part of the program had ended and the coffee klatch began, I was comparing notes about my session with a friend who also attended regularly and mentioned the horror story of the new guy. He remarked that he had been in the group with the newbie the previous week and heard all the original details and had seen the perpetrator and victim talking to each other at one point in time or another. He said, “you know who that was who was after him don’t you?” I replied that I did not and when he informed who it was, I was shocked. The new stalker was a longtime attendee, a dweeby guy in his mid-to-late 30s whom I always liked to say was in the wrong line when God was handing out sexual orientations. He would have been indistinguishable from the average person sitting at a slot machine in Las Vegas or Atlantic City alternating his free hand between a White Russian and a cigarette. Never in a thousand years would I have guessed him to be the stalking type, either innocently or maliciously. It was a real eye-opener to me and a revelation that you never know who a perpetrator might be.

    Since that time, I have been very judicious about revealing personal details which can be traced to an actual physical address and permanent location. It’s a big reason why I don’t do Facebook and am generally social media adverse (save for Twitter and a couple smartphone-only apps). I never use my real full name online and mask my physical location whenever possible. Likewise, there are few, if any, photos online (I request that anyone not post photos on Facebook, and if they do, to not tag me).

    In this day and age of everyone being famous for fifteen-minutes-and-counting, it seems strangely counterculture and even paranoid for someone to not have most of their personal details plastered all over the Internet. But the above incident alone has illustrated to me why being “invisible in plain sight” is not only good practice for private people, but can also possibly be a lifesaver.

    Comment by RSG — February 26, 2018 @ 5:09 am - February 26, 2018

  13. @ V the K: I wouldn’t call it lacking Christian charity. I recall something in the Bible about being as innocent as a dove, and as cunning as a serpent.

    “Forgive and forget” is a gross misunderstanding of the Christian doctrine of forgiveness.

    Comment by Sean L — February 26, 2018 @ 7:35 am - February 26, 2018

  14. There are some people that must be in a relationship no matter what. They take what they can get rather than accept being single as a good thing.

    The reason I am saying this is that I know someone (haven’t seen him in years) who is in a life relationship with a left wing guy who thinks others property is his. The gold diggers does work at a low paying job while the high income guy lets the cheapskate take advantage of him monetarily. He is a truly self absorbed gold digger, but the nice guy probably has to have a husband, taking the dregs instead of being happily single.

    Comment by davinci38 — February 26, 2018 @ 7:51 am - February 26, 2018

  15. What do you think of men who get stuck in low paying when they are in their 40s, 50s, etc…?

    Comment by James — February 26, 2018 @ 9:19 am - February 26, 2018

  16. What do you think of men who get stuck in low paying when they are in their 40s, 50s, etc…?

    I have a ‘there go I but for the Grace of God’ attitude. Lord knows, I have made some bad decisions but by grace, I was spared the worst consequences.

    Comment by V the K — February 26, 2018 @ 10:13 am - February 26, 2018

  17. @ 15, There are circumstances that can put someone into the low paying job too.

    Comment by Pawfurbehr — February 26, 2018 @ 11:55 am - February 26, 2018

  18. People with addiction problems are needy. Some guys like to be needed.

    I have never seen the point about being crazy 4 your exes but have seen this play out multiple times in others. I had one crazy ex show up at work trying to get me back but security took care of him. Perhaps its the fact I have guns placed in high locations that you need to be 6’+ to reach that kept crazy from trying to break in.

    What is even worse is going to visit someone I haven’t seen in a year, go out to eat I say ” I am glad you finally stopped obsessing over KC” response “he works here”.

    Comment by Steve — February 26, 2018 @ 2:05 pm - February 26, 2018

  19. “hotel-sex in the early-stages of “dating”.

    Hotel-sex can add up to more than a studio apartment rent pretty quickly. You could get a studio apartment or house share in the gayborhood and have a nice place farther away.

    “you think of men who get stuck in low paying when they are in their 40s, 50s, etc…?”

    One of the saddest things is meeting gays in there 30s who were 15yo boys getting cocaine snorted off their PPs. Once they get to the point where no one will pay for their drug habits they find themselves as high school dropouts that are used to world travel & fine dining.

    Comment by Steve — February 26, 2018 @ 2:20 pm - February 26, 2018

  20. level-headed guy probably knew better than to get involved with Mr. Addiction in the first place and if level-headed guy didn’t take him back, he’d most likely get involved with someone else just like him or worse. There are deeper issues than just taking someone back who should be taken back. My husbands boss has a horrible girlfriend but I tell my husband all the time if he gets rid of her he’ll find someone else just like her or worse because that’s his pattern. So, you’re instincts are probably right about your friend but there’s a bigger problem you’re missing…most likely.

    Comment by Eddie — February 26, 2018 @ 3:15 pm - February 26, 2018

  21. Consider a video doorbell if you have stalking exes

    Comment by Steve — February 26, 2018 @ 6:48 pm - February 26, 2018

  22. VtK, so how long do you think it will last? (Asking for a friend.)

    Comment by Jean Paul — February 26, 2018 @ 8:32 pm - February 26, 2018

  23. One of the saddest things is meeting gays in there 30s who were 15yo boys getting cocaine snorted off their PPs. Once they get to the point where no one will pay for their drug habits they find themselves as high school dropouts that are used to world travel & fine dining.

    Or the college student/”models” and their Instagram selfies from Sitges, Ibiza or private-jetting back from Miami Beach. Several figure highly in my personal Two-Minute Hate each day…

    Comment by Ted B. (Charging Rhino) — February 27, 2018 @ 9:27 am - February 27, 2018

  24. There are some people that must be in a relationship no matter what. They take what they can get rather than accept being single as a good thing.

    IMHO, that describes many of the people lining up out the door to get marriage licenses when same-gender marriage first became legal (or available). They surely can’t all have million-dollar assets with hostile relatives waiting to swoop in after death.

    It was only a few years ago that I first heard what is now one of my favorite sayings: “It is better to be alone than to wish you were.”

    Comment by RSG — February 27, 2018 @ 10:01 am - February 27, 2018

  25. Then there are gay men who have successful relationships, although it’s few and far between. I wonder how they make it last so long.

    Comment by Pawfurbehr — February 27, 2018 @ 10:49 am - February 27, 2018

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